.:.a bUs RiDe, fOoD PoiSoN & aN AtTeMpT 2 eXpLaiN & uNdeRStaNd mYseLf.:.

i found a more convenient route in going home a couple of weeks ago. Instead of going down at guadalupe, i now go down at ayala and take the fort bus up to market market. from there our house is just a short walk, so in a way that becomes my exercise.

last week while waiting for the bus to arrive, a guy asked me whether there would still be a bus as it was already past 10pm. I told him I was told by the guard that another bus will be arriving in about 10-15minutes. I turned my back and was again busy with my own thoughts. When the bus came, he took the seat beside me. I was kinda curious, as the natural tendency for almost everyone is to sit on an empty lane. i know its not crowded as there were only a few of us waiting for the bus, not to mention that the driver had to wait for another 15minutes to fill up the bus. I tried to sleep. I was so upset at that time, for some reasons I couldn't remember that I almost cried. When the bus stopped at HatchAsia, the guy introduced himself to me. I was baffled and I was not able to respond right away. He looks decent. Clean-cut, wearing a uniform for someone who seems to be studying in a military or a navy school (sorry im bad with descriptions), acquiline nose, bright eyes and thin lips. He said his name is Arvin. I was in no mood for a conversation but he kept on pestering me with a lot of questions. In order to be polite, I would quickly respond to his question and turn to look at the window again. He even asked me if he could get my mobile number, to which i said NO! i just made up a silly excuse that i lost my mobile 2 weeks ago and my boyfriend gave me his spare phone to use.

When it came for us to go down, i thought he would still insist on having that friendly chit chat as he lives somewhere near my area. It's a good thing he went down right away and seemingly embarassed with what he did, he walked briskly. Thinking about the incident now, i am reminded of a ym message sent by harbie 2 days ago, which partly says: "what is it about you that attracts more men when you’re already in a relationship. hehe". Hmmm honga bakit nga ba? more so, do i look more attractive when im agitated or depressed?

***

to all my concerned friends who sent me text messages asking whether im okay or not due to the food poison issue here in our office, i would like you to know that i'm okay. I work in the day shift and was fortunate enough to be on off during the time that it happened. Thanks for your concern peeps.

***

i found this at fRaNz's blog. she found it @ everything2.com written by the gifted and fabulous ccunning. for everyone who knew me personally especially friends from way back, hope you could take the time to read this. I know that i could be hard to understand most of the time, well that's actually an understatement. Anyhow, ccunning's words were so perfect that it was as if it came from my very soul. please read on.

You wanted to know the worst about me, the things I told no one and hid below the surface. How do I explain it? How do I explain who I am when I am not even sure of it myself? How do I put into words the worst parts of me that I have run from for so long? I will tell you my secrets, I will tell you everything. Maybe it will help me. Maybe you will hate me for it or maybe you will understand. I don't know, but I am sick of running. So here it is, I will give you what you want.

I hate you. That is not true, but sometimes I think it is. I will not answer the phone when you call, even though I want to talk to you. I will not call you, even though it is all I want to do. I will not reach out to you, even though every part of me wants to. I will be mad at you, I will want to hurt you, I will drive you away because I am afraid to let you closer. I need your constant attention, your reassurances, but I will greet them with cold indifference. I will be jealous of the attention you give others, and I will get mad at you for ignoring me. I will feel close to you and care for you one day, only to be mad and want you out of my life the next.

I am an emotional amnesiac, maybe I always have been. I take each event, each day, each conversation as a seperate event, always looking for signs that you might hurt me. When I feel neglected, I will get mad and forget that the day before you told me how much you cared. I am an inconsistent mess. There is a part of me who is happy and confident and another part that is insecure and needy. These days, I never know which one it will be. Every time I think I am in control, that I know you care and I feel comfortable with our relationship, the fear and doubt will come back. Maybe with time it will go away completely, but doubt it. All it will take is another close relationship, another new friend, another day and it will be back.

You ask what you can do and I do not know what to say. The needy part of me wants your constant attention, it needs your words and thoughts, your presence. But I know that is not the answer, I must accept the limitations on our relationship. The scared part of me wants you out of my life because it would be easier. The hateful part of me wants to hurt you because it thinks you have hurt me. All I can ask you to do is to understand, to not give up. I will ignore you at times, I may be rude to you, I may try to hurt you. I may hide from you and wait for you to reach out to me, so I know you will care. It is not fair to do these things, but I will. I cannot ask you to put up with this, it is not fair and no matter how I act, I care too much to put you through this. But you asked, and this is all I have to tell you.

I do not like this. I do not like that I am needy and clinging. I do not like that I hurt people. I do not like that I am rude and sarcastic to those around me. I do not like this part of myself. For years, I have ignored this and pretended it was me, but I have realized that is wrong. This is not me, it is a false identity created to protect me from the world. This was not an easy realization, and perhaps I haven't fully accepted it yet. But I have found my path, I have realized I can change and I can accept this side of me and keep it from becoming who I am. It will not be easy and it will not be quick, but I have faith that I can do it. Perhaps one day I will see me as the person you see behind my defenses, and perhaps one day I will let others see that person as well.

This is for you, but you are many people. You are the people close to me now. You are the people I want to be close to even though I have kept you away. You are the friends I have pushed away in the past, the friends I never forgave and never let back in my life, the friends I never had the chance to tell this to. You are the people I will meet in the future, the people I will care about until once again I push them out of my life. You are the part of me that is still trying to understand who I am. You are all of these people and many more.

*** by ccunning of everything2.com***

.:.oLd tHeMe SoNg.:.

i heard this song again last week. its been a while since i last heard it. even before it was recently revived by a local band, i already loved this song. i used to sing this song to someone. now i couldn't believe im over that person and the fact that i even cared about him to begin with. sometimes being young means having your emotions play tricks with you, i guess not only young people experience that a lot. but well i had my reasons before. haaay d2 na nga lang. hehe basta tapos na yon.

here's a copy of the song anyway.

I Can't Make You Love Me If You Don't

Turn down the lights, turn down the bed
Turn down these voices inside my head
Lay down with me, tell me no lies
Just hold me close, don’t patronize
don’t patronize me

Chorus:
cause I can’t make you
love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart
feel something it won’t
Here in the dark,
in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart
and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
’cause I can’t make you love me,
if you don’t

I’ll close my eyes,
then I won’t see
The love you don’t feel
when you’re holding me
Morning will come
and I’ll do what’s right
Just give me till then
to give up this fight
And I will give up this fight

Chorus:
cause I can’t make you
love me if you don’t
You can’t make your heart
feel something it won’t
Here in the dark,
in these lonely hours
I will lay down my heart
and I’ll feel the power
But you won’t, no you won’t
’cause I can’t make you
love me, if you don’t

.:.uPdAteS.:.

okay okay sige na nga maga-update na nga po. Grabe sobrang tamad ko talaga as of the late. ni wala akong magandang title na maisip for this entry. at tinatamad na din akong mag english hehe. tama na nose bleed na ko d2 sa office. i attended several trainings for the last few weeks kaya halos magbalinguyngoy (in english: nosebleed) na ko sa kakaenglish! anyhow here are the updates:

1.) kinikilig ako!!! hehe somebody from the office crushes me. i already told my baby about this. deadma naman sya eh alam naman nyang wala lang yon. ngayon lang ata may nagka-crush sa kin sa office. hehe and its all becoz of these pictures:

*jan, val, me and bestfriend chiqui*


*me and chiqui*

i only found out about it thru one of the trainers who was the fountain head of that power point presentation. she nonchalantly told me about it at the pantry when we bumped into each other. mejo hearthrob pa naman si mr. trainer although personally never naman ako nacute-an sa kanya. anyhow im really flattered.

2.) photo album - 3 sundays ago, around 9pm, i was shocked when my baby told me he's going to drop by at our place just to give me something. it was just really quick he just went there literally to give me a photo album. the dogs (pebbles and coffee) were ecstatic to see him. then she handed me the photo album. i was actually thinking of compiling our pics in a scrapbook. that's something that i have been planning to do for sometime already. in fact, i've already bought some materials for it. i was out of words when i saw it! when he left and i browsed thru the pictures and i was teary-eyed the entire time.

3.) trench coat - i've been wanting to buy a new trench coat for the longest time. but being the kuripot that i am i always put it off. kuripot ako sa sarili ko eh. most of the time when i would go out, i would end up buying things for other people. i just really splurge on books. anyway, quite a weeks ago, cant quite remember when, babe bought me a burberry trench coat. class a lang at greenhills but still that's something. it fits me just right and it looks really good. im actually surprised that a guy agent of mine recognized the brand this morning when i started my preshift meeting. im just really happy that coocoo has become more thoughtful. i used to take that against him before that he's not very thoughtful, lagi ko ding hinahanap ang sarili ko sa kanya. but then i learned that its not healthy. its just so heartwarming.

4.) shift change - i used to have a sun-mon off and 6am-3pm shift, which works best for me coz i can go to church on sundays and if i need to transact with a bank or other institutions like sss, i can do that on mondays. likewise, my baby and i could spend time together on saturdays after my shift. normally he picks me up or we'd meet somewhere and then we'd go watch a movie or just hang out at his mom's place at craig. now we hardly have time to see each other since he also had a shift change. his restdays stays the same which is sat-sun while his shift hours would be from 12mn to 9am. my shift on the other hand was changed to 11am-8pm and rest days were moved to wed-thur. we don't even catch each other at ym. oh well, i hope we could find a way to work around it.

5.)tldp - that stands for team leader development program. finally after a year of being a team lead, i had the chance to attend tldp! it was a 4-day training at insular facilitated by no less than my former eTel team mate - Tristan. Who would've thought that the biggest whinner would now be in organizational development? makes me hate it when i tell him about my grievances coz he'd ask me whether i've already brought it up with my manager. like duh?! if my manager is still mel, i could openly talk about the things i dont like about our program since she shares my sentiment. but since my manager is now darth vader(that's obviously a code), i have to be cautious about the words i say with him around. politics is such a big thing in the office! oh well sorry for the lack of coherence. anyway going back, i had a lot of fun attending tldp, not to mention that it gave me a break from commuting from makati to alabang everyday. i also met a lot of people.

6.)stp - another training that i attended last wednesday. Its a one day training called success through people. it was great since i saw most of my wave mates - jing, chiqui, joel. saw my former team mate from csg wave 2 - armin, who happens to be my kumpare as well since i am his son's godmother; his wife of course - jeng, whom tristan fondly refers to as my twin sister. hehe flattered ako ang pretty ni jeng eh. and i met more new people. i had a grand time. i guess i said that already. anyhow, the class was composed of 30 team leads and there were different facilitators - all of which are senior managers and directors. we were asked to group ourselves into four and then we studied different caselets. sort of a case study but its shorter so they termed it as caselets. i learned a lot of things and i was able to validate my judgment with co-team leads and of course no less than the facilitators themselves. on my third case, it was facilitated by BellSouth's director - Ed M. - about a new team lead who is confused about the metrics. at one point in the discussion he was soliciting suggestions on how to address the situation, he then turned to me and said: "you actually have a lot of brilliant ideas!". i didnt even hear it right away, chiqui had to tell me again about his comment. anyhow it was great and i hope they offer more of that kind of training to team leads.

i guess that would be all for now. i still have to finish 10 more monitorings.

tinatamad akong magblog. hehe obvious ba?

i hate lawyers!

been playing hide and seek with sleep again as of the last few weeks. i would impatiently toss and turn in bed, sometimes check out my dogs to find out if they're already asleep. most of the time, i'd carry coffee and have her sleep beside me. then after all attempts of shutting off my mind and after i've long given up on counting sheeps backwards, i'd hear the aircon turn off and hear the fan automatically turn on. later on, exhaustion would take over and i'll finally get to sleep. but then again before it even registers in my brain that i got to sleep, i would hear my mom waking me up and telling me what time it is. and then i'll have to go to work again. *sigh*