question: when you seriously love someone and you know what you're doing can hurt her but you cannot help yourself, what would you do? will you stay away or will you selfishly hold on to her, hoping that she will get used to it or you'll get tired of whatever it is you think you need to do anyway she'll still be there afterwards?

as promised lianne

5 movies that mean a lot to me

1. A Walk To Remember

a pastor's kid, straight A student, meets Mr. bad boy and turns his world upside down. it just shows you that if you mean the world to one man, his love will move him to do everything in his power to make you feel very special and happy.

2. Star Wars

specifically the Revenge of the Sith, i like this because of all the star wars movies i've watched this has the best effects and most exciting. aside from that it presents an old time message that the end doesn't justify the means. the hero turned villain darth vader may have the best interest of eventually learning how snatch his wife from the claws of death, but joining the empire will never justify that.

3. The Never Ending Story

i so love this movie, when i try to recall the first movie that i remember when i was a kid, this is what comes to mind. i love falcor, the child-like empress, Bastien. for those of you who do not know this movie, it is about a young boy named Bastion is going through the troubles of growing up having just lost his mother. On his way to school he harassed by some bullies and hides in an old book store. There he meets a strange man who tells him about the mystic book he is reading. The book is called "The Neverending Story". Bastion borrows the book, (i.e. steals it) and runs off to school. Seeing that his math test is already taking place, he decides to hide in the school attic and begin reading. The huge leather bound book with a golden auryn on the cover holds a story that will change his life forever, putting him into a world beyond his wildest dreams. The world of Fantasia.

4. 10 Things I Hate About You

this is one cool love story. i specially like the poem in the movie. well this is not a very old movie so im sure a lot of you already knows what the story is all about.

5. 50 First Dates

yeah like what lianne said, imagine having to win the heart of the girl of your dreams every single day! wow, i sure do hope every woman finds a man like that.

okay so its my turn to tag - will pass this to
DeN,
teacher_kai,
starrfish,
jane and harbie

i did promise lianne to answer the quiz in her blog but im afraid ill have to accomplish that on my next entry.

***

am confused right now. confused as to how i should feel over what happened, over what i should do moving forward. confused about a whole lot of things.

i love you and i do not know how else to phrase that. i do not know of another word or phrase that would perfectly convey how i feel. i love you with an intensity that is way beyond reason, even beyond foolishness. i love you so much that if you tell me to jump, i would ask you how high. yes i love you with such profundity and it surprises me that i could take so much pain from you. you, of all people.

why do i love you this much? despite all that has happened. i often find myself wondering about that. why do you push me away and when i am gone, you chase like a mad cow. i've resigned from the quest of ever figuring you out and why you act the way you do. you tell me you love me. yes you always do, to the extent that i almost believe that you do love me. sometimes i want to ask you what you mean when you say that, but i am afraid. im afraid of what your response will be. im so afraid of losing you again. im afraid that you might not come back the next time.

forgive me. i just have to cry right now. i wanted so much to be with you, but i was hurt by what i saw. no, this doesn't mean i love you less. i just have to talk this over with myself, to reason out with myself and tell her that things will change. i need to reassure her that there's hope, that you will change and that otherwise, i will soon be very accustomed to all these to the point of being numb.

lord you've saved me from damnation,
you've saved me from the world,
now save me from myself.

back to manila from puerto galera, yes this blogger waged a war against the extremely wavy waters of batangas to cross over to mindoro. happy to say that im a galera virgin no more. so did i like galera? hmmm.... well for one, i think white beach is over rated. but i honestly had fun. the food's great and mindoro sling is something i'll never drink again! i even made a silly comment to franz that it's just like drinking gin pomelo, but lo and behold barely done with the pitcher and 3/4 of jose cuervo and im already lying in the sand. just told them (anj and ayith) we'd (franz and i) go stargazing but well i ended up asleep in the sand. even funny thing is that i remembered lying on my back but according to anj and ayith they found me comfortably lying on my stomach. i couldn't actually remember turning over.

the next day, we didnt get to ride the banana boat, as something about the boat is not right and they couldn't fix it the same day. we just opted to go for a massage. just the three of us though - franz, ayith and me. anj stayed in their room to watch hbo. i didnt like the massage at all, im used to a hard massage and the old lady who gave me a massage doesnt pay attention to my instructions, she just chats along with the ladies giving ayith and franz a massage. she would occasionally abide by my instructions but then later on she will revert back to a soft massage. oh well, ill make sure i get someone else when i come back there, if ever.

the ride home was absolutely frantic. we thought we wouldn't be able to go back and that our relatives would end up reading about us in the papers. we left galera at 12nn and the waves were really high. the 45minute boat ride stretched to 2hours. we were all wet and believe it or not we were already clutching the life vests, anj and ayith wore theirs already. the kids were already crying and both kids and adults alike were vomitting left and right. yup its yucky and you could smell the stench. we saw dolphins but no one from the bunch paid any attention as we're all thinking how are we going to survive that boatride. when we're already at the bus, we talked about our thoughts while we were on the boat.

franz: iniisip ko pano ko lalagyan ng life vest ung mga bags natin eh. (i was thinking how could i put a lifevest on our bags.)

ayith: naku pag nalunod ako papagalitan ako ng nanay ko!
(if i drown my mom will surely reprimand me.)

i prayed the whole time. in fact, as an act of faith, i slept through the tumultous storm. initially my heart is pounding like crazy while i recited the 23rd psalm. then it hit me, if i honestly believe that he is with me though i walk in the valley of the shadow of death, then truly i should not fear a thing. and yeah truth to be told i was able to nap during the ride. we safely docked at another part of batangas as it is very wavy at the pier, instead they dropped us off at mainaga, batangas. there was a heated conversation amongst the passengers and the crew as everybody were expecting we will go down at the pier. the four of us decided to go down and just take a jeepney going to the pier. after all, making it safely to mainaga is something that we're already truly thankful for. i did not bring along a camera so i dont have any pictures to post but if i get hold of any pics from my galera buddies ill try to post some here. in the mean time, here are pictures of my lovely dogs.


coffee is my black labrador, and in that picture, pebbles is listening to her as she snores.


this is my photogenic dog pebbles, she's a cross of a mongrel and a shihtzu.

that's all for now fellow bloggers, hope you guys have a great week ahead.

i have an assignment from joycee... here you go dear...

three names you go by:
1. erlyn
2. mother erls (for my agents)
3. ulalai (for my aunts, they said i look like juday @ ula ang batang gubat when i was a kid)

three screen names you have had:
1. aMgiNe
2. bLueRLyN
3. bLue_aMgiNe

three physical things you like about yourself:
1. eyes
2. fingers
3. eye lashes

three physical things you don't like about yourself:
1. height
2. arms (i think they're flabby!)
3. feet (i think they're too big for my height; size 7, my feet that is!)

three parts of your heritage:
1. filipino
2. spanish
3. chinese
(hmmm... di ko kinopya yan kay joycee ha, nagkataon lang!)

three things that scare you:
1. cockroaches
2. growing old alone
3. the sight of too much blood

three of your everyday essentials:
1. bracelet (can't leave the house without wearing one)
2. eye drops
3. book (need to read while im in a bus)

three of your favorite musical artists:
1. lea salonga (so filipino ba?! hehe)
2. kevin letau
3. lou pardini

three of your favorite songs:
1. what might have been - lou pardini
2. tell me where it hurts - mymp
3. dont break my heart slow - vonda shepard

three things you want in a relationship:
1. love
2. respect
3. faithfulness

three lies and truths in no particular order:

lies:
1. the head of our department speaks perfect english!
2. good and eligible gentlemen abounds
3. i hate him

truth:
1. i don't give up on people i love
2. i love my agents
3. i absolutely love my 2 dogs

three physical things about the opposite sex that appeals to you:
1. smile
2. eyes
3. height

three of your favorite hobbies:
1. blogging
2. reading
3. singing (sa banyo!)

three things you want to do really badly now:
1. go to a beach
2. eat
3. have a massage

three careers you're considering/you've considered:
1. auditor for airlines
2. writer (haha mangarap ba?!)
3. managing my own business (yuck ng ano?!!)

three places you want to go on vacation:
1. coron islands
2. europe
3. amanpulo

three kid's names you like: (sorry ha malabo ung question, so i'll take it as names i would like to name my kids in the future)
1. jag
2. cassandra
3. yñigo

three things you want to do before you die:
1. marry my true love
2. have my own family
3. write a book (as if!)

three ways that you are stereotypically a boy:
1. date.. date... date.. date...
2. always single
3. love girlsssssssss
(eto aaminin ko ginaya ko lang k joycee)

three ways that you are stereotypically a girl:
1. romantic
2. indecisive
3. moody

three celeb crushes:
1. adam sandler
2. ewan mcgregor
3. orlando bloom

my turn to tag...

three people that i would like to see take this quiz:
1. hundun
2. Tina
3. graveyardzombie

"we are not entirely lost until we decide to lose ourselves."
---Lisa Velthouse

how many times did i say
it would be the last
how many times did i fail
and break that promise
i lost count
it happened again,
you got what you wanted
dawn came,
and once again i am reduced to
merely a possession
kept hidden when not needed
or an illusion at your disposal

i thought i've become numb after all,
but i was wrong again.
here i am unable to hold my tears again...

weekends are like full moons
they are filled with lunacy..

{BoOkS bOoKs aNd MoRe boOkS}

i finally got my vacation leave encashment. and well it was gone over the weekend. haha. unlike other girls who would buy a cool top or a pretty pair of shoes at a whim, i splurge on books, always! i still have a couple of books that i haven't finished but i went ahead and bought some more. over the weekend i went on a book shopping spree. at home these are the books that i haven't finished:

-Citizen Girl
-Chicken Soup for the Christian Soul
-Bible Code
-Another Fine Mess Lord
-Shattered

and here's the title of the new books i've bought:

-valkyries (im not so sure of the spelling guys, that's from paulo coelho)
-decimal places (ricardo de ungria)
-bata bata pano ka ginawa (lualhati bautista)
-saving my first kiss (lisa velthouse)
-not even a hint (from the author of i kissed dating goodbye)

i know there's 3 other books but i forgot the titles. i made a list of the other books i so wanted to buy and it has come to a number that is already beyond me.

-seleted poetry (ophelia dimalanta)
i almost bought this book but i opted to buy 2 copies of decimal places and give the other one to peng as a birthday gift.
-the last time i saw my mother (by another filipino author)
-seduction of the heart (tim lahaye)
-unbearable lightness of being
-i kissed dating goodbye
-harry potter 6 (abster was very kind enough to ask if i wanted to buy from them as it is cheaper.)
-fifth mountain
-the alchemist (read this one already but i want my own copy)
-griffin and sabine (read it as well thanks to tl reena who lent me her copy)
-neil gaimans books

gee, that's why i hate going to bookstores as the list goes longer...

just this tuesday, when i went back to work, my former agent turned good friend - majo, waited till i finish my pre-shift meeting with my 2 teams. then she handed me a book. it is a collection of poems and quotes about courage and inner strength. inside she wrote these words:

it takes a lot of courage to change but you did it! attagirl!!!

i was so touched coz i was so down over the weekend. but God really has a way of reassuring me. then the next day He gave me another book from another agent of mine - faye. she was reading this book last week and was telling me that i has lots of really nice quotes. then she gave it to me yesterday and when i turned it over i saw that she wrote something on it. initially i thought she was just lending it to me as i asked her if i could borrow it after she finished it. but on the first page it says:

i don't keep books. i give it away after reading it, hoping that it will touch another person's heart.

whew! isn't that amazing. i can't help but feel blessed.

announcement guys!!!!

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

{sEpaRaTe LiVes}

way back in grade school, i was already a sucker for love songs, poems, sweet dream pocket books and just about anything that would have something to do with romance. while most of my friends were listening to rx 93.1 or nu 107, i'm classified as weird coz my stations would either be joey's rhythms (funny that i could no longer recall the station number) or 96.3 lite rock. julie, one of my high school best friends gave me a look of pure disgust upon hearing that i listened to such stations. said that those are her mom's fave stations. yeah i'm uncool, but that didn't bother me.

those days i used to have a notebook that serves as a compilation of my favorite love poems, both the ones i've written, my friends did or some popular author have written. likewise, i have a compilation of my favorite lovesongs. no i'm not and will never be obssessive compulsive, but i just like keeping those things.

one of my favorite love songs then was separate lives. i love it simply becoz of the melody. i never really knew what the lyrics (chorus) meant that time. now, going over the lyrics of the song, its as if the words came right out of my heart. its as if i was the one who wrote the song. i could completely commiserate with whoever wrote the lyrics of the song. i find that line of that song reverberating in my head the entire time last week.

"you have no right to ask me how i feel. you have no right to speak to me so kind."

sometime last week when i got to the office to report for my 6am shift, when i opened my lotus notes, i surprisingly got an email from him. its a forwarded email containing cute pictures of dogs. said he thought i might like it. i was stunned. knowing that his pride is bigger than he is, it must have taken him enormous effort just to send that email. later that day, he did send me a message thru ym. i was at a different workstation trying to coach my agent on one the test messages when i saw his message. since i was not able to respond right away, and since i then appear to be offline to him, he sent me a text message asking whether im online. all the more that i was surprised. what could be the problem that he was desperate enough to swallow his pride and do all those stuffs. i did respond thru ym telling him im training a class. he said he wanted to talk and so we did. the details of which i would like to keep private for some reasons. on some parts he even became sarcastic, but then i decided i would not retaliate. he humbly admitted missing me. but i told him he doesn't, i told him that after all, he probably just misses having someone, not necessarily me.

last night i was not able to hold it anymore. i would like to kick myself from being stupid and texting him telling him i miss him. and these were my exact words: "I shouldn't be telling you this coz I know it's not gonna help d 2 of us. But somehow i just need to let you know that i miss you and i havent stopped caring all together." in some ways i regret having done it, but then a friend said it was a brave act to let him know how i feel.

right now, im still confused. most of the time im wishing that we'd be able to patch things up but then i think its foolish to hope for that. sometimes, i find myself wishing he'd soon find someone new so whatever hopes i have for reconciliation will finally be extinguished.

"apathy is worse than hate"