i could not quite find a suitable title for my entry for today, all i could say is that i have mixed emotions at the moment. first i feel kinda depressed since from what's happening it seems to me i'm the only one making the effort to be able to keep things going. not that i am counting, but then again i couldn't help but think that way with the way things are going. from now on it will just be que sera sera, i will not be exerting that much effort to make things work as i feel that the other person involved will only take and take what is given and will not be exerting much effort to give out something in return. i may not be making a lot of sense right now but who cares.

i got the chance to talk to a childhood friend of mine. he went to canada to migrate there together with his folks and siblings and got married there, he already has a family of his own right now. he used to court me, and he did for the longest time. he's been giving me love letters way back when we were seven. he left for canada when he turned 16, btw, i was one year older than him. i was already 19 and he's still calling me and courting me. at one point i had to admit i loved him, but it wasnt gonna work if he's that far. at that time, coocoo was also calling me every night, not that he intended to court me or has feelings for me from the start. coocoo and i were just friends in fact i was teasing him with another friend of mine but somehow along the way, we fell for each other. i was confused at one point whether to wait for the one in canada or to go for coocoo. but sometimes no matter how vocal the person about his feelings for you, a simple hug and peck on the cheek would still weigh more at the end of the day. not that coocoo is my second choice its just that at that time i loved him more. thus, i told the other one to leave it at that and that we could just be friends. he was still hopeful though i had to tell him so many times that im already committed and that i really love my boyfriend, which is true. only after a year that i got into a relationship did he move on. funny though coz i saw his wife's friendster account and guess what, she could pass for my sister! hehe

just before i opened this browser that childhood friend of mine called me up. he just got back here together with his own family and he's asking to meet up with me. he'd be bringing along his family and his other cousins who happen to be my childhood friends as well. do i feel a tinge of regret? nope. but somehow, i couldn't help but think about how would it be like to be loved by someone who has that kind of devotion. not that im saying that coocoo doesnt love me. but im constantly open-mouthed when he (the other guy) tells me about his recollections about me, he could even tell me what i was wearing at that time, how my hair was cut and my exact words; some of which happened when i was still 7 yrs old. that's how vivid his recollections were. he loved me so much before that when he found out that his cousin and i became an item, he got so depressed he turned into drugs. but he had a heart to heart talk with his cousin then asking him to take care of me. which his cousin didnt! hehe bitter ba?

oh well, i just completely feel out of sorts. i better go home now. i've been in the office for almost 13hours.

-stumped-

i hate having this, you know when you already have a lot of stuffs you thought of writing about then all of a sudden when you're already in front of the monitor, your mind goes blank!

well for the lack of anything good to write i placed a video code in my blog. just to make it look a little more like a blog. i still dont have time to totally change my template but i will, hopefully i'd be able to do so before feb.

i found out something, and what i hate most is not being able to have a say on it since i myself, in one way or another, have been guilty of such.

-monotonous-

“Passion is the source of our finest moments. The joy of love, the clarity of hatred, the ecstasy of grief.”

-Angel, (Buffy the Vampire Slayer)

i would have to say that my life is a status quo at the moment. yes, im enjoying my current relationship, im okay at work but i really couldn't say that i am passionate about anything. i have totally abandoned my love for singing, same thing with my toastmasters membership. except for going out with my agents, friends and my baby, there's really nothing more that perks me up. and aside from work, which im not even sure if it would count, there's really nothing more that gives me fulfillment. well considering that i have doubts about including work already disqualifies it.

this aint good, something needs to be done. i should really be starting something, might be a new hobby, or i could take a new course. but i dont have the time. that's the perpetual dilemma - having the time to do the things you needed to do and not to mention the things that you wanted to do. there's really never enough of it. i remember when i was still a kid when each day would pass and i'd feel so bored out of my wits that i wished so hard that i'd already grow up and be able to go to work and go out with friends and all that. but now that im already at that point, im dying to go back to that point in time when i could bum around for all i want. i miss those summer vacations at my ninang's place.

something's really missing, something that i do not have a name for. is it just me or is there someone out there that's feeling the same way that i do???

-bliss-

i remember summer's post one time when she asked who has the best of both worlds - lovelife and career. not that i could say i have i do have the best of both worlds, in fact to be honest, coocoo sometimes gets tired about my whining about work; but then i'd have to say that at least there's a balance on both worlds. i would say that babe and i are currently very much contented with our relationship. perhaps we really did mature at the time that we were not together, we appreciate each other more and are able to accept each other's weaknesses. as for work, i could say i pretty much enjoy what i do except for some demands of the job. but i really like the people i work with except for one (laughs), but i really like working with my peers and my agents.

im thinking of changing my template again. may be for valentines i would. =) i've been browsing thru blogskins.com and i've already found one that i really like for the valentines.

for some other news, well i am already assigned in the morning shift which is really great for me since i haven't had the chance to work in the day shift for the longest time, well for several years now i would say. although the down side to that is that i wont have night differential pay already, but well who cares! nothing beats being able to sleep in the night time.

-him and me vs. us-

barely a week ago we had a talk, I wouldn’t say it’s an argument more of a melancholy talk about the unspoken things between us. Some things he chose not to discuss and I chose not to ask about so as to avoid getting into a fight and keeping up with the notion that we just live by the moment. No strings attached. I could go on with my life doing things I want to do and meeting people I want to meet without answering to him and same goes for him. Although im perfectly aware that I am on the losing end of the bargain, I took it in just for the momentary bliss it will bring me. Even if by tomorrow or the next day or the next month may be, he’d wake up one morning and find out that he feels head over heels in love with another girl, then I just don’t have a say to that. I have to swallow the bitter truth without any right to tell him how painful that is to me.

I was told by val previously that I shouldn’t settle for this kind of set up. Not only does it serve me no good by playing the martyr, more so, it’s the perfect kind of set up for a guy. He has someone to cuddle with at times when the nights are lonely but he doesn’t have a commitment to me which gives him the freedom to check out other girls any time he pleases. But I asked him, what difference does it make if one is committed? I know of some guys who are in long term relationships but still has the guts to look around and play around. Which brings me to another question – which is more painful to have the guy commit an act of betrayal when he is committed to you or to have him do that when he made it perfectly clear that he doesn’t answer to you but you blindly went ahead and accepted that kind of set up?

I felt my confidence level completely ebbed again sometime last week after seeing a couple of text messages on his phone from the girl he claimed to be “the one who got away”. I’ve long avoided checking his phone messages as I know I do not have a right to do that. But since he does check my phone messages as well, I figured it would be just okay. One time he saw a text message from M and was all of a sudden in a sullen mood after that. He just sent me a message since I sent a group message thru ym to all the people in my list greeting them a happy new year. When I asked him how come he’s like that but when I ask him about the text messages of ms.d1hugotaway, he went berserk. I stopped talking and left for the office with a heavy heart. I felt so down that I was ready to breathe fire on the agents asking me stupid questions. Then he kept on calling me and buzzing me thru ym to apologize. He said that’s the reason why he is not yet ready to commit, that he still has demons in his head and he might hurt me again. I have to keep mum about since I opted to have this kind of set up. He kept on apologizing telling me I have every right to feel bad about the situation since “I’m his baby, I’m his girl.” Hmmm… I didn’t know that. I told him not to mind me, as I have no claims over him. I told him “yes there may be a you and me but there is no us”.

I went home last week to my dad’s place to visit them. Likewise, I got the items my cousins and aunts and uncles from the states sent me. There’s perfume there for a guy so I got it for him since my dad has tons of it that still remains unopened. He was baffled when I handed him the perfume. He asked me whether my cousins knew that we broke up and whether ninang knew it as well. Said yup. I was then washing my green mango at the sink. Then he asked, “alam ba nila ninang na tayo na ulit?” I suddenly dropped the mango and gave him a blank stare… Uhmmm… heller kelan pa???? kelan pa tayo ulit??? He laughed at me and I had to run to him and pinch him. Apparently, kami nap ala di ko lang alam. Oh well, sometimes being a martyr has its rewards.

Just a few days ago I was at the apartment and we were having breakfast when all of a sudden the words tumbled out of his mouth: “It’s nice to have you back baby.” I was racking my brain as to how to respond to him but I couldn’t, all I could muster was real warm smile.

-unstable estrogen level-

darn it im having cramps and worse im at work. why do women have to endure this monthly thing? much more women had to undergo the excruciating pain of child birth.

im have to give myself a pat on the back for being able to endure the entire shift with such tormenting pain. one more day and ill be off finally.

-tired-

im extremely tired of this whole call center job. i never thought it could be this toxic. might be isolated for this account since i used to see my former wave mates who were promoted as team leads for the previous account i used to work for are not this toxic. they could go home 30minutes right after their shift, while we on the other hand are bound to extend due to the extremely high volume of deliverables. in fact yesterday, i left the office past 10am already when in fact my shift starts at 9pm. imagine i have a working schedule worse than that of a security guard, no offense to security guards but at least they're not as stressed as we are.

oh well, im sorry to start the year whining. but gosh i badly need some rest, and i mean real rest. i hope i could take at least a 3 day vacation leave in connection to my restdays. that would be really great!

-the year that was-

2004.


the year that was.


a roller coaster ride. got crashed and burned. made stupid and hasty decisions. grew up. smiled. laughed. cried. prayed. made friends. lost friends. a lot of memorable and forgettable events.


sometimes when i look back i couldnt actually believe i survived this year. it is utterly unbelievable how i made it thru and how i, again, found something that i thought i already lost. life is still worth living after all.


but one thing that i've learned through this year is that God will always give you something to smile about...


hope this year will be a really good one for everyone.

-happy new year-

hope 2005 will be a good year for everyone!!!