-{sWeeTeR sMiLe}-

yesterday morning, in the church, i saw the elderly lady again(i gather she is around 60-70yrs old - she prayed for me before). i was looking for her last sunday but she didnt attend the 9am service then. when i told her about it prior to the start of the church service yesterday morning, she said that she took the 11am service last sunday to meet up with another person she is praying for. we had quite a bit of a chat while waiting for the service to start. she asked me about my job and specially how i am doing now, if im already recovering from the heartbreak. she told me that i am always part of her prayers and that she will be praying for the right person for me. she also told me to take in vitamins since i work in the night shift that way my health wont deteriorate. she is such a really nice lady.

i felt so relieved after the service. the message struck me again. but that's another entry altogether. may be tomorrow. after the service, i kissed the old lady goodbye and she told me to take care. what made me smile was when i heard her talk to my mom and said: "you have a pretty daughter. she's very simple but really pretty." she even said that i have this certain glow now in my face, and that certain shadow of loneliness that used to cloud my eyes before is now gone. I know that it's God's grace and deliverance that she saw. I was delighted to hear about it but of course I give back all the glory to the Lord because it was Him who gave me a much sweeter smile.

p.s. no violent reactions pls, at wala ng kokontra blog ko to! hehe

-{of sCenTs, sLeeP & a SiLLy sMiLe}-

seems like most of it starts with the letter "s" huh?

on scent:

ur scent's name - contradiction, is your personification, rather it would be apt to say that u personify the perfume. it is very evident that you still have feelings for me and yet you push me away and want me to take in someone else to fill your spot in my life and you want that to happen soon. and damn it i miss the smell your perfume creates when it is infused with your own bodily scent, especially now that the nights are cold and long. i doubt it if you feel the same, but i certainly hope you do.

on sleep:

just woke up by 7pm and now i will have to endure another sleepless night. whew! hope i soon get a morning shift. better yet hope i get a job abroad so as to finally start with a clean slate. i need to forget a lot of things and people at that.

on a silly smile

somebody wipe this silly grin off my face. been smiling like crazy since last night after i found out something i didnt quite expect. well i have to admit he kinda caught my eye as well, but no this is not good. erase erase erase...

-{iNfLueNtiAL}-

i've managed to make 'inggit' some of my teammates and now they are blogging. it's so much fun to introduce people to blogging but now they're not talking to me anymore. all 3 of them (jamie, pretty_kelly and chatty who wants to change her url again) are busy composing their blog entries, they only talk to me when they have to ask me something about their template and all. they dont even want to tell me stories about what happened when they got home yesterday morning, said i should just read it in their blogs. geez!

i showed them my blog, but what ultimately convinced them to go blogging is chona in the city. they are having a debate with the authenticity of chona's identity. jamie even said she's also going to teach her yaya how to blog. cool! well if you guys have time try to visit this newbies blogs so they'll have fun. promoting lang po. hehe

-{of iLL-MaNnEreD PeOpLe And NoStaLgiC siGhs}-

i browsed thru my friends' blogs before going home after my Sunday night shift and surprisingly when i chanced upon hundun's blog, there's this rude person who commented on her tagboard saying that she needs to loosen up coz her entries are mostly about her bitterness (which this individual insists that hundun is denying) over her ex and other forlorn stuffs. well i couldn't help myself so i did the honor of being the first to bash this "morlock". apparently on whatever side you look at it, it's that person who has a problem. in the first place, hundun is entitled to write about anything she pleases, it's her blog after all, if you dont like what's written there then by all means find another blog that you'd find interesting. i just hope that with the reaction that person was able to generate from hundun's friends, he/she did realize that he/she is the one with a bigger problem.

~~~o0o~~~

(time now: 11:08pm)
i just finished my first 15-minute break, thea and i went down. she was under the impression that im gonna smoke, and vice versa. so when we found out that we were both trying to quit we went back up and just took a quick trip to the rest room. on our way back to our workstation, we saw Auvin, he was tasked to decorate a bulletin board showcasing the achievements of our program for a year of operations and he was holding this envelope with some pictures of his team. he is an agent of jing, who is a batchmate of mine (wave 1) and was my ex's wavemate in the team leader development training (tldt 1). i was looking over the pictures and was complaining that jing doesnt have any picture, when all of a sudden i came across a picture of the tldt 1 class. i immediately saw Ola, she used to work for eTel as well and since she is also from wave 1 of sbc i got to know her. well wave 1 for both programs started at the same time so we pretty much know each other. seeing Ola i know i'm bound to see him and yes he was there, smiling his ever-mayabang and maangas smile. thea was beside me and was shocked to see him in the picture as well. she said he must've remembered me, nagpaparamdam kumbaga. haaaaayyyy *long sigh*. wala lang kinilig lang ako hehe. well this is bad though. erase erase...

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

Haloscan commenting and trackback have been added to this blog.

-{tRip dOwN MemOrY LaNe}-

i went to my old blog and browsed thru my past entries. i dunno but for some reasons i feel that my entries make more sense at that time. does state of mind counts? but well i've always had an instable state of mind (translation: wacko), that's why i could fully identify with the characters of ally mcbeal so to speak.

there were a lot of entries there detailing the ups and downs of my past relationship. the memories still has its sting but not that much anymore. i guess im coming to terms with myself and my ex. we're slowly becoming friends again, although we dont always talk or text like when we used to back when we were still the best of friends prior to the time we became an item, but i could say that we've made peace with each other.

looking back now, i wish blogging is already popular at that time when we i was still in college. i could've saved all our beautiful memories from the time we started to become good friends. but well, i do have my trusty old fashioned journals at home but it would have been good to have a blog as early as then. even now, i slack off in making journal entries coz i just have so many things in mind that i wanted to write about all at once. so the ones i have on my journals are just a small fraction of all those wonderful years we grew up together.

yes, i humbly admit that i have regrets. but i cant do anything about it anymore, it's water under the bridge now. i just have to hold on to the valuable lessons my mistakes have taught me and remember to never commit the same mistakes again.

yesterday morning, when i went to church i felt so blessed and assured with His promises, i left the place in tears. during the worship, the song leaders sung the song i offer my life and i just couldn't hold back my tears from falling the whole time we're singing the song. i looked back thru the years of my life and felt so worthless with always falling short of God's standards but more so i felt humbled by the fact that God has always been faithful. here is a copy of the song I Offer my Life, sing along if u know the song...

I Offer My Life

All that I have, all that I am
I lay them down before you Oh Lord,
All my regrets, all my acclaims,
the joys and the pains, i'm making them yours

Lord I offer my life to you,
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord, I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice,
Lord I offer you my life.

Things in the past, things yet unseen
Wishes and dreams that are yet to come true
All of my hopes, all of my plans
my heart and my hands i lift them to you

Lord I offer my life to you,
Everything I've been through
Use it for your glory
Lord I offer my days to you
Lifting my praise to you
As a pleasing sacrifice
Lord I offer you my life

CODA:
What can we give that you have not given
And what do we have that is not already yours
all we possess are these lives we're living
and that's what we give to you Lord...

{pAtHetiC}

what am i doing to myself? this has got to stop.

-{A pEbBLeS MoMenT}-

Pebbles is so huge already, after she was confined for a couple of days when we took her back home, she started eating again and now she's bloated. i failed to blog about this since i have been mostly preoccupied with the instability of my emotions. about 3 weeks ago she stopped eating altogehter and started vomitting. then we noticed she doesnt want to eat at her bowl, she'd only eat if you hand feed her. that was when we decided to bring her to the vet. we found out later on that she was poisoned by someone in the neighborhood. well that's a different story altogether.

so last monday there was only the 3 of us at home, mommy, i and pebbles. i was asleep since i had a shift that sunday night and mommy was outside doing the laundry. my mom's cellphone was at the center table and someone texted her. her message alert tone is quite long. and when she went inside the house to check it out, she had a hearty laugh seeing pebbles trying her best to reach the cellphone while standing with her front paws on top of the center table and all the while when mom's phone is vibrating and sounding off the message alert tone, she was licking it. she also does that with the landline phone when it rings. sobrang katawa talaga, para bang may instinct sya na sagutin ung phone. mommy was laughing really hard and had to kiss her after answering the text message to let her know that she's such a joy inside the house. nevermind the scratches on the furnitures, those moments are just really priceless.

she could also be really bratty at times specially when im around coz she knows she could pretty much get away with anything when im at home. my mom would always tell her: "naku pag andito mommy mo ang likot likot mo!". dont ask about her dad anymore, i bet u guys already know the story. as for my mom we refer to her as Pebble's lola. Pebbles is such a darling. before my mom was hesitant to take her in but since she doesn't really like animals and i guess its evident that now she was able to charm my mom. in fact, after what happened, i mean after she was hospitalized for a few days when we took her back home, my mom decided to let her stay inside the house and not only that because she is also been allowed to sleep inside the room. talk about some of the joys of having a puppy.

{qUeStiOnS & SiGhs}

i feel like a lunatic, sometimes i feel that i can already go on but eventually his memories would find its way back to me and the pain becomes too unbearable again. i am haunted by too many fearful what-ifs and a lot of unanswered whys and hows all clamoring for immediate replies.

why does it always have to be that way, why can't it be the other way around? well, there goes my vindictive streak huh? it's just that how come i should always be on the losing end? was it because i wanted so much to make my life different from that of my parents that even if the roads are already way too rocky, i would still believe that we could work it out if only both parties are willing to. i could almost hear him say that i am the one who is not willing to change. what more could've i changed? i've given him everything that i have and i am to the point that i no longer feel im a complete person without him.

how does one move on? where does one begin to pick up the pieces and build a new picture with a such a huge piece missing? a piece that does not want to be found at that. where does one draw comfort when the only one who could provide you with that comfort is the same person who shattered you into pieces? how does one cure a broken heart and stop the pain that seems to know no end and seems to cut so deep?

{sTuPid Me}

i've been bad again, despite my mind telling me not to go, i still went ahead. how can i expect the other to be strong when he is merely a man, weak. it was the same old story, a vicious cycle. i wanted so much to believe it was more than physical on the other's part, coz it definitely wasn't the case for me. i felt tears stung my eyes while i was one with him. i said i love him and he said it to me again but afterwards when i asked him if he really means it, he said he doesnt know, said may be it was just a force of habit.

we had a great talk, no crying, no blame game. just us, old friends, old lovers, talking and filling in each other with what's happening with our own lives. lots of hugging, of talking and kissing. i know a lot of people will react to this. yes, im stupid, darn stupid. i sure do hope that's the last of it. it was my fault. yes call it crazy but i still love him and want him back despite everything that happened. i do not regret it becoz it made me look stupid and vulnerable at the same time in his eyes, i do regret doing it because i have sinned. and i prayed to God telling Him this will be the last and that i will not reprove being punished and will accept the consequences of what i did...

{bLogGeR's NiGhT}

it was great although, it would've been better if there were a lot of people who came. for starters there was the 3 of us, ~tin~ (ayan ha di ko kinalimutan yung kung anumang lagi katabi ng name mo, sori nalimutan ko kung ano tawag eh, tanong ko na lang ulit sa gf ni orbital), hundun (ayan alam na namin kung pano i-pronounce yan) and i. we spent more than an hour waiting for seats at Krocodile Grillery at GB3. it seemed like we were old friends just catching up with each other, of course that's because we kinda know what's happening on teach other's lives, malamang di ba kasi nababasa namin ang blog ng isa't isa. summer - the loneliest person (ayan tuloy kadugtong na parati hehe thanks to belle and tin), hehe showed up as well, though we were quite disappointed that graveyardzombie didn't join her as the two of them said before. well, it's okay there's always a next time.

some other people showed up later on, dude and his friend who prefers to be called by his web nick - ipis. then radix came with his friend as well. then the last to join the troop were orbital and his girlfriend - wani (im sorry im not sure how to spell it). after hanging out at kroc, we went somewhere at GB2, sorry i forgot the name of the place, hehe nalasing ako sa Cali. hay naku si Orbital pag wala na mapag-usapan ako na naman ang inaasar. migosh! ayan alam nyo na ang mala- AnaLuna kong storya - hehe sabi ni Orbital yan, di daw kasi MaraClara kasi dalawa daw un eh. at pag di naman nya ko inaasar about you know who (josme! parang harry potter to ah, no shivers pls.) eh nagrereklamo naman sya sa template ko, hirap daw kasi basahin at naiinis pa sya kasi mas marami ang nagcomment na maganda ung lay out. sige dahil sa nagbabasa ka ng makulay kong buhay eh papalitan ko na ang blog lay out ko. hehe

si ~tin~ po para sa inyong kaalaman, ay splitting image ni karen davila. pwamis po! si summer saksakan ng kulit! sayang umuwi kasi agad eh, daya ako nga nag-absent for that eh. si belle, naku dami ko nalaman sa girlash na to, exotic pala ang bata lalo na sa friendster, habulin ng mga ibang lahi! hehe sana lang next time mas madami talaga pumunta. to ~tin~ thanks po for organizing a gimik for bloggers, it's not bad for a first eb. pwamis. dami ko pa susulat kaya lang mahaba na eh baka di na basahin ni ~tin~. hehe tsaka mahihirapan na naman si orbital and his gf. hahabulin na naman nila bago magpalit ng background picture. hehe sobrang tnx guys nag-enjoy ako. at in fairness nakilala ko na si chona in the city at chinika pa sa kin nila belle at ~tin~ na may crush syang delivery boy. hehe katawa talaga sana next time madami dumating at maaga di ba at wala sana uuwi agad... it's always great to meet new friends. it was really fun...

{wHy}

why does it have to hurt so bad...

{faLsE aLaRm}

second high yesterday is a false alarm, it was something else. but it's okay. i've found out something that in a way compensated for that but has in a way made me more sad... my emotions are playing a tug of war again, i had to scorn myself every once in a while whenever i'd start entertaining negative thoughts again.

pain is knocking so hard on my heart's doorstep again and this time it is threatening to vehemently break down the door and fill me in again. Lord help me, be with me... i shouldn't be moved by what i feel, or see, or hear... the battle has started right away, i need to be strong.

i took my break around 4am and went to the rest room and prior to going back i went to a friend's workstation, i saw this rock he uses as paper weight and it has an inscription, it has Joshua 1:9 on it and it says: Be strong and courageous. Do not fear nor be dismayed for the Lord is with you... im so grateful that God answers me and reassures me even in little ways...

{3 HiGhS}

i was finally able to genuinely smile again and felt the smiling effect last for a whole day. yeah despite the many things that's trying to steal my joy. first, God has answered my question to him. i've been bugging him about it for more than a month now. its about a verse in the Bible (Psalm 37:4), i have a lot questions about that verse and was even interrogating my dad about it. for a few days his answers would pacify me but then after a while, i'd start to have questions again. then last thursday, i talked to my cousin, kuya randy, who is also a deeply spiritual man. i asked him about it and i had to admit i had more questions afterwards. but God told me to be patient, He reminded me that a patient man is a perfect man. so i said: okay God if you want me to wait for you to clarify my confusion, i'll wait. He gave me the answer yesterday early moring around 3am Sunday while i was praying. I am soooo happy.... and nothing they could ever say would sway my thinking now.

The Lord just had to remind me that i have to learn to fully trust in Him now, and to ask Him for the God kind of faith that doesnt doubt, doesnt waver, moves mountains and brings result. And that i should not be moved later on by what i'm going to see, or hear, or feel. He reminded me to stand firm in trusting Him to bring to pass all of His promises. I'm sooooo happy....

Second high, well i've been found. yes, i'm trying to be cryptic but i have a strong feeling i've been found.

Third high, well I dunno but it's just a good working night! God just gave me a wonderful day today. Perhaps He's just changed my outlook. On my way to work, I found myself all alone walking at Dela Rosa St., smiling for no reason at all. Before i actually left for work, I prayed, I was reminded by the Holy Sprirt that I will be encountering a lot of things that will ruin my joy, but i said no one could ruin my happiness today and yes, the shift has already ended and i'm still happy despite the nasty callers, the hang ups and non-conversion and the irritating people at work.

Hey Belle! seems like God is starting to put a smile not only in my face but as well as in my heart.

{WoRdS oF tHaNkS}

it's Sunday today and i'm blessed, so blessed. i went to church this morning and saw the elderly lady i met last Sunday. that time when the pastor instructed the congregation to get to know their seatmate and pray for them, she asked me what my prayer request is. before i could answer she asked if im single, so i said yes. then i told her that i recently broke up with my boyfriend of 4 yrs.. i was about to tell her that i wanted to pray for healing for my ex, since i know that everything is my fault. the relationship is not God's will in the first place but i went ahead with it, thus i caused him a lot of pain. but before i could actually tell her that she began praying already and she started out her prayer by thanking God for setting the captives free and healing the broken hearted. instantly my tears fell. this morning i saw her again, we got to sit beside each other and since we arrived there early she talked to me and once again prayed for me. i saw her notebook where she asked me to write my name last sunday and i saw she scribbled a few words there. i know she is praying for me, just like some of my friends coz i feel it everyday.

so to all my friends who are remembering me in their prayers, i'd like to thank you so much. God bless you for your kindness. i'd like to tell you that things are getting better, i am learning to forgive each and everyday and to learn the true concept of loving. thank you so much...

{sTaRtiNg 2 b Ok}

i hear news about the one who left once in a while, unsolicited news actually. people bringing it to me. i do not know what their motives are, whether they would like to stir up my hopes again or to just plainly torment me. but thank God becoz He is cushioning the blow. yes, i have to admit that i still get hurt every once in a while but the pain doesnt linger that long anymore... i often find myself turning to the Lord like a little child in tears running towards her father, i would run to Him for solace and His peace will eventually overcome my pain.

He would always remind me of a verse that He gave me one long and lonely night when i sought His comfort and company...

"Do not worry about anything, instead pray about everything. Tell God your needs and don't forget to thank Him for His answers. If you do this, you will experience God's peace which is far more wonderful than the human mind can understand."

He is teaching me everyday, revealing Himself more to me. He always reminds me to be pliable when i approach him, like jars of clay. yes there was a time when my heart has hardened against the Lord and like a jar that's already hardened, i had to be broken down to be whole again. and yes He even reminded me of that thru Belle's text message.

I am just really grateful because each day He is healing me and teaching me how to let go of my hatred, my unforgiving spirit and to continue to pray for the one who has left.

{dAdDy'S GiRL oNce MoRe}

my dad and i have been talking more often as of late... may be becoz i've nowhere to turn, after what happened. i had a lot of questions, a lot of things i wanted to know and there weren't enough answers. i used to be a daddy's girl when i was still a kid and often times our relatives would ask me incessantly whether i'd go with my dad or with my mom if ever they decide to split up. and yes i went with my dad. however, during my teen years, i started to drift away from my dad. perhaps its because i already felt awkward telling him stuffs that i should be telling my mom and he became more restrictive at that time.

my dad is a pastor and he is a silent man. the term laconic perfectly describes him. he used to work for a bank that closed down in the late 80's and has just re-opened a few years ago. after the bank closed down he decided to be a full time pastor. one time, my high school kada - Julie, who took up org comm at UP asked if she could interview my dad about the bank. my dad said it's okay and after their talk on the phone my dad handed over the phone to me. Julie was so overwhelmed, she said my dad is brilliant and is really sensible, and she's just plain baffled at why he decided not to work anymore. in fact Julie's statement was something like: "Why is he wasting his brains at home?!". for several years i held it against my dad, i mean, his choice not to work, considering the fact that he doesnt get any financial support from the church. but now i understand him fully.

now i could say that i am friends with my dad. and yes the Lord restores relationships. i had to admit i caused my father a lot of pain when i opted to live together with my ex. i left and took my things then the day before my birthday and he didn't greet me at all on my birthday. but he couldn't remain angry for long, after sometime he was the one who made the way for us to talk again and all i could muster then was a lousy one word text message - sori.

now everyday, he'd call me up to check if im already home and i'd ask him a lot of questions. there was a point when i had to be quiet for a whole 2 mins coz i cant keep my tears from falling and i just dont want him to know. i wanted him to know im strong and i could bear it but like a true father he knows what i'm going through. he would reassure me that he loves me and that the Lord loves me every once in a while by sending me text messages. he knows i am shattered with the pain of loss and is constantly reminding me that it will come to pass.

i am grateful to God for once again restoring my relationship with my father. there's this one time when i was praying right after my dad and i had a long conversation on the phone, i found myself crying. asking God not to take him away yet and asking God to bless my dad with a long, fruitful life. i told God i badly want him to be there to walk me down the aisle when the Lord finallyblesses me with a Godly lifetime partner, how i wanted my father to be there when i already have kids, so my children will be blessed as he imparts his wisdom on them. i thanked God and in fact i cant help but cry right now as i am typing this.

i could have a dozen boyfriends but my father is irreplaceable...

{MeSsAgeS fRoM God}

our systems were down last night till around midnight so i was able to blog. one of my teammates, rupert, lend me a christian magazine called InTouch. i decided to read it since we had really few calls. i read this article titled Counting the Cost and some of the paragraphs did strike me hard.

"Ask yourself, To what am I attached? There is nothing wrong with enjoying relationships or belongings as long as possessions and emotional attachments do not supersede the Lord in importance. A genuine follower of Jesus Christ sinks very shallow roots into the world. The truth is, you and I must be available to do whatever God says and to go wherever He directs, at any moment, regardless of what choice may be."

"To be God's disciples, we must detach from this world and be attached to Christ -- not to possessions, ideologies, or relationships. turning down career advancement or breaking off a relationship."

for a while i knew it was coming, i will have to be disciplined by God, knowing fully well that we were living as husband and wife without the blessing of the Lord. aside from that i lost my focus already, my ex-bf became my world, my everything to the point that i completely took God out of the picture. my former partner was the first in my life, he even comes first than my own family and thus as a father disciplines his child, the Lord has called my attention to chasten and correct me. i do not reprove His correction, it is but just and i deserve it. i only pray that the Lord would spare him of His anger, since i knew better in the first place and yet were more than willing to concede to living together. in one of my devotional books, where going back to God was given an emphasis, Jonah was made an example. the fact that God had to make a huge fish swallow him before he actually decided to turn back to God. the author said that making a comeback to God is really hard coz you will leave behind a chain of casualties -- broken relationships, hurt people, financial problems and a lot of emotional and spiritual pain. these are all true in my case and my ex is one of the casualties of my wrong choices and i always always ask God not only to forgive me for my disobedience but more so for the Lord to take away the pains that i caused him and to bless him instead, that would be more than sufficient for me. as for me, i will have to start all over again this time with all things right between me and God.

{tHe bLeSsiNg Of BeLLe's fRieNdShiP}

i am so grateful to the Lord for all the people who are still with me in the most trying times of my faith. He even gave me new friends along the way, and most of the time He sends me his love through this wonderful people. i was bloghopping a while ago and as always the first blog i'd always check out is beLLe's. she may not know this but i actually consider her as my blogger bestfriend. i chanced upon her blog a couple of months ago through another blogger who works for people support, where i first worked and where belle is working right now. i read through her posts and was able to easily identify with her although at that time, she was the one in my situation. we would exchange hellos and comments on our entries until we became good friends.

last sunday, actually that's already monday early morning, i received a text message from her. i did not post it on my blog nor did i tell her about it, but around 1am of monday, prior to her text message (that was aug 2nd), my ex's sister-in-law called me up to check on me and to tell me that they still believe and they are still hoping that the 2 of us will end up together and she told me that he called and told them that he really doesnt want to any form of communication with me again, which is contrary to what they are hoping for. i appreciate the fact that they care about me and wants to find out if im okay. but what they did is just really tormenting. after hours of trying to sleep, i was awaken by the phone call and was again tortured and tormented by his thoughts.

i got up again at 3:30am giving up all hopes of being able to go back to sleep. and when i checked my phone, i saw belle's text message saying:

"Pray with me."

i was so touched and immediately thanked God for touching people to actually pray for me. He's telling me that He did not completely took away his lovingkindness. and just a while ago i saw belle's post. and this is part of what she wrote...

last sunday night, i cried for a friend who's going through a broken heart...i cried while i was praying for her... i cried because i felt the same thing a couple of months ago... i asked God to not take away the pain because I know the pain will make her stronger. I asked God instead to strengthen her heart and to endure the apain and loneliness. I asked God to send my guardian angel to comfort her for the night because I know the nights are long and lonely... don't worry dear, you will have laughter in your heart again... may be not today or tomorrow... not yet... but remember you will one day...God will not give you anything you cannot handle... I thought before that I could never be where I am now but here I am alive and happy...Just pray...

Reach up as far as you can today... and God will reach down the rest of the way. if you're too tired to raise your hands, i'll reach up to God for you...

thanks so much belle. may God bring back all your kindness to me to you a hundred times over here in this earth and eternal life in the next. God bless you....

{My PraYeR}

Nothing is easier than self-deceit. For what each man wishes, that he also believes to be true.
-------Demosthenes

give me a new heart oh Lord, filled with clean thoughts and right desires. make my desires Your own. create in me a pure and a contrite heart oh God you will not ignore...

{fOuRtH}

today could've been another milestone, should've been our fourth year anniversary. but well, he's already in love with someone else. when i read the cards that he gave me over the past 4 yrs, i cant help but feel sad, angry and frustrated all at the same time. im turning it all over to his brother and sis-in-law as i dont want any trace of him in my life. not a picture, so i can move on. he threw away everything and i guess i just have to do the same thing. if he feels that its all worthless then perhaps i should look at it that way as well.

that chapter will be closed already.... i will say nothing more and whatever it is i am still feeling for him will have to be extinguished already, no matter what. so help me God.