{cRaSheD, BuRnEd bUt StiLL sTaNdiNg}

i found out something and it is something that's really painful. i wouldn't even elaborate on it. it's just that i was hurt, but i will stand firm in God's promises and he gave me this passage some time ago, perhaps more than a month now. i was getting ready for work when tita jean turned the radio and the pastor read a passage, pardon me for not remembering where it could be found, but here's what it says:

"My strength is made perfect in your weakness."

I am also reminded of Rebecca St. James' beautiful song. It is about God knowing perfectly well the things that we're going through and even in our weakness he remains understanding and at a certain degree, tolerant. Here's a copy of the song.

Even Though You Know

You searched me, You know me
You see my every move
There's nothing I could ever do
To hide myself from you
You know my thoughts, my fears
and hurt, my weaknesses and
my pride
You know what I am going through
And how i feel inside

But even though You know,
You will always love me,
Even though You know, You'll never
let me go
I don't deserve your love
But you gave it freely,
You will always love me,
Even though you know

He once again spoke to me, through a book and this is what God told me:

I am the Author of Love; I am the Creator of Romance..

...You have searched for true love in your own way. But my ways are not your ways. I want to script a beautiful tale just for you, but first you must trust Me with the pen of this precious area of your life. Will you let me write your love story?

without further reservations, but with a gamut of negative emotions tugging at me from all directions, including unbelief, hesitation and fear, i said yes... and slowly i felt peace in my heart...

{SoRta siCk}

im feeling out of sorts as of late. it may be due to the unpredictable weather, it's been raining in and out and im still with my no-umbrella policy. got a terrible cold yesterday and a slight headache. i hope i'd feel better already before my days off. i need to accomplish a couple of things by then.

even Pebbles is sick 2 days ago, she vomitted several times after we fed her. i was actually worried that she'd become limp. but good thing she didn't and remained wiggly and bouncy as always. she's okay now and is still "makulit" as usual, although i wasnt able to really spend time playing with her.

good news to my blogger friends, i'll be changing my lay out in a couple of days, dont worry i'll be looking for something that would be easy on your eyes. i just liked this template becoz i could post pix and it will be kinda blurry. but this is just a phase so dont worry i'll be changing my template already.

may kwento pa pala ko. yesterday morning, i kept on checking my phone to see if there's someone who sent me a text message. of course no one texted me, and while on my way home, sabi ko kay God text naman nya ko kasi wala nagtetext sa kin eh, nasa-sad ako. and when i logged out for my second break kanina, i checked my phone and saw that there's a message. it was actually from belle and i smiled when i read the message. i thanked God and acknowledge that He remembered me through my friend. and this is what the text message says:

God is so big, he can cover the world with HIS love!
So small, He can curl up inside your heart!
So wise, He knows all your desires but grants only
what's best for you.
Don't forget whatever it is your carrying, God has
a plan and would never give you what you can't handle.

{wEiRd dReAmS}

i went home right away yesterday since chiqui said she'll give me a ride and knowing that girl she doesnt like lingering in the office. she dropped me off 2 days in a row already. i'd have to say we miss haning out with each other, we couldn't stop gabbing that when she was already suppose to drop me off somewhre at c5, she decided to go ahead and drop me off somewhere really near my mom's place.

i had a really long sleep the whole day yesterday. had a dream about a couple of people i have not seen for some years now and have been estranged with already. i couldn't make out the meaning of my dream nor could i still remember it exactly. i just remember seeing and trying to desperately avoid talking to my ex bestfriend and then seeing and talking to my first boyfriend. when i woke up, i feel drugged and was baffled by that dream's meaning. i just said a prayer for my first ex but, was, well kinda nonchalant about my ex best friend. well, at least i admitted it. hehe =)

i got something really beautiful from hundun's blog. made me realize a lot of things. read on...

after a while

after a while you learn the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul.
and you learn that love doesnt mean leaning, and company
doesnt always mean security.
and you begin to learn that kisses are not contracts, and presents
arent promises.
and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead...
with the grace of a woman, not the grief of a child.
and you learn
to build all your roads on today,
because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans,
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.
after a while you lean that even sunshine burns
if you get too much
so, you plant your own garden,
and decorate your own soul...
instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers.
and you learn that you really can endure;
you really are strong,
you really do have worth.
and you learn
and you learned
with every goodbye,
you learned.

{fLaShBaCk cAre oF tiTa jEaN}

mommy and tita jean went to the wet and dry market in pasig last saturday morning. coming from days off, i am not able to sleep right away in preparation for my shift last saturday night, so after reading my devotional books and Bible, i tried to while away the time by watching animal planet, the only channel i like to watch besides discovery travel and adventure, while Pebbles tries to pester me every now and then. by the time they got back, it was already time for lunch. since they didn't have time to cook anymore, they just bought viand from the market. they bought 2 orders of lechon kawali. i was silent during the meal, a wave of nostalgia came over me. until tita jean voiced out my thoughts and said:

naku naalala ko si CooCoo, favorite nya nga pala to.

my mom second the motion. i looked at both of them and tried to search their faces for any negative emotion upon remembering him, and to my surprise i found none. they also said that they miss him. i finally admitted to them that i still love him and told them that i am praying that he will be blessed with a good life. they said i should just keep on praying for him, after all, he's still a good person. i just hope he knows that my family is not mad at him.

{SoLo fLiGhT}

last friday after droppin by at the office to use the internet and the phone, where i also chanced upon my best friend at work - peng, i went to powerbooks to hang out for a while. memories of him came flooding back again from exile although, trying to assess my feelings, it doesnt seem that painful anymore. i am once again adjusting to going around alone after four years of always being with him to just about anywhere. i smiled a sad smile when i saw things that i know would be of great interest to my former partner and prayed that wherever he is he'll have a good life ahead of him.

i saw several books that i browsed through inside the store. i sat down at the kids section for a while, just to watch the kids running merrily around prior to browsing the 3 books that i eventually bought. i guess i was there for almost an hour. then i went to greenbelt 1 to check out some clothes and buy dog treats for Pebbles. when it started to drizzle already, i hurried back to landmark. just bought 2 cds and then went home already. i slept mostly during my ride home since the traffic is so bad and i was already up at 1am of friday.

there will come a time i will get used to it again, but for now, while everything is still fresh i am trying to shun away from going out since we have a lot of memories everywhere. may be if i'm desperate, i'll go somewhere we have never been to, hmm... like sm bicutan? hehehe anlayo man! dont worry i'll let you know if i've reached that point of desperation. but for now, i am contented to bum around my mom's place and hang out with my dog.

{kiNda OkaY}

im at the office rigth now. technically its my off but i had to accomplish some things. so kesa naman masayang ang pamasahe ko eto, take advantage ang lola nyo sa company resources. at eto kanina ko pa kina career ang kaka f5 pero di ko pa din ma-access ang friendster, lech na surf control yan. pati blog ko at mga blogs ng mga kaibigan ko naka surf control na din.

wala naman ako masyado sasabihin, kaya lang just want to let you know that im okay and am doing good in my resolution to move on. i'll be changing my mobile number soon. and will try my best not to think of him and what's happening to him already, although of course he will still be part of my prayers.

as a friend told me, i should live one day at a time. as for now, my focus is on loving my self and the people who care about me. to be with people who were there for me in my times of needs and to have a deeper relationship with God.

{fiRsT sTeP}

life has to go on even without him. i can not live each day with only memories of him. he has to be taken out of my system. i went to his place last night after the vgh (voluntary go home) has been approved. so it went again the begging and crying. he was begging me too. he said he still loves me but not in the same way, but it is not enough to hold us together if ever we decide to give it another try, coz he doesnt love himself anymore.

he mentioned the things that he misses about me, the things that only i could provide him. but he said he has to go on by himself from this point. we were both crying and he said that he doesnt want me to hold on, coz he doesnt know what's going to happen, of course he doesnt want me to wait for him. but then again in a way, he just said something that gave me hope.

mr ex: malay mo magkita pa din tayo after some years.

he went downstairs to open the gate for his housemate and the rest of his team. they're also working for the same company and they decided to hold their team g.a. at the apartment. he went down to join them for a while and when he came back he was all of a sudden sweet again, hugging and kissing me. he even asked me if its okay to make love. i asked him if it would make him happy. he said yes. but i told him it will just make things hard for me. but since he said that it will make him happy, if the red flag wouldve not been up, then he could've gotten the better of me.

we reminisce a lot of memories. we laughed at our stupidity, our crazy times. we cuddled up and hugged and kissed a lot. we even remember the pact we made back when we were in college, that if we already turned 28 and we're both unattached at that time, we will look for each other coz it only means that we're really meant for each other. i also made him promise that he's not going to get a girl pregnant out of wedlock, that he will not settle for just anyone at hand, that he will still marry his greatest love, even if that person isnt me. the last promise i asked him to make was that if he ever finds himself a new girlfriend, that they are not suppose to make love in our bed. he said yes to everything. likewise, he made me promise to be good and not be self destructive. i promised him that i'll make him proud of me.

then he fell asleep in my arms around 3am. i just watched him the whole time, while stroking his hair, hugging and kissing him once in a while. i just looked at him, memorized the face that i love so much to kiss and to see when i wake up each day. i kept whispering i love you to him. when it came time for me to go, i bid him goodbye and kissed him short and sweet. i asked for one last hug and he was crying again before i go. i was no longer crying, i felt peace came over me while i was praying for us when he was asleep. i told him not to cry and did not linger anymore. i left the place and said my final farewell to my him.

when i went out of the house, around 6am, a smile managed to its way into my face and thanked God for the wonderful gift of him. i searched my heart and found only happy memories, and i thanked God for taking away all the bitterness and the unhappy memories.

i love you baby... this is it, i'll be moving on and i wish you a good life ahead of you. someday, i know you will understand me and someday, i know that God will carry out his promises to me. thanks for everything again i love you...

{bLaCk & bLuE}

im beaten black and blue, nothing is left of me. i've done everything and gave up everything i have in order to ask, in fact it would be apt to call it beg, for another chance. all im asking is for him not to restrict me from seeing him once in a while and texting him once in a while. we had a long exchange of messages 2 days ago and he finally agreed to that set up. i made it perfectly clear that i am not asking for anything in return for that. this evening, i sent him a text message asking him if he's eaten already and if he's at the office, he once again begged me to stop.

i really have this gut feel that he's seeing someone new. he went through the messages in my phone and when i asked if i could do the same, he first deleted some of his messages and cleared off the call logs. when i checked the log reports (his phone is a 7650) and i found out that he was corresponding with several girls - a certain karenmae, who texts and calls him at 12midnight and other odd hours of the day and, a cathy and there's another name. when i texted him just when i was on my way to work last night, i asked if there's someone else. he wouldn't give me a yes or no, laging may tanong na ano gagawin ko pag sinabi nya meron. so i guess that's tantamount to a yes. later on sabi nya wala ayaw na daw nya ko kasing paasahin. but he did already. when i told him that i worked so hard not to text him for several weeks and just text him back when he was asking about something but when i went over to give him my share of the rent, i told him i wasnt the one who initiated the kissing and hugging it was him. and he knows perfectly well that i wont be able to resist him. then he was mad again, sinisisi ko na naman daw sya at ang defense nya naaawa lang daw sya sa kin, my god! sobra ko palang pathetic at wala naman ako ginagawa aakapin nya ko at hahalikan, dahil nakakaawa daw ako. he is so inconsistent, i called him up and begged him to tell me the truth if there's someone else, i just hung up the phone when i he was just shouting at me telling me na ayaw na nya!

where do i go from here? it took me almost 2 years to get over my first jerk boyfriend who was in fact a pseudo boyfriend in essence. coz our relationship was not allowed by our parents, and we only talk on the phone patago pa. in the 3 months that we've been together we only went out twice i think. and it took me 2 years to forget him, and now how do i forget the person who shared 4 years with me. who knew me inside and out and whom i gave my heart and soul to. he was saying he lost 4 years, well i made sacrifices for the relationship as well. but im not about to count, its just that its not only him who gave up a lot of things to make our relationship work, i also have my fair share of sacrifices. i dont know where to begin and how to begin picking up the pieces. tomorrow's going to be another day, another excruciating day... without him...

{HoT & CoLd}

he's confusing me even more, he's blowing hot and cold. sobrang hirap na hirap na ko. cant type the details here, i get a quesy stomach every time i recall what happened for the past week. basta sobrang sinasaktan nya ko, at pati sarili nya pinahihirapan nya.
 
shortcut: i went to the apartment to give my share of the rent, (oo nagbabayad pa din ako kahit di na ko dun nakatira, kasi wala pa kong kapalit, ambait ko noh?) we fought sa text bago ko dumating dun. but when i got there, after i went upstairs to get my camera, he pulled me close and kept hugging and kissing me for 2 hours. telling me that he misses me and the things that are happening in the office, then when it was time for me to leave, he kept telling me that i shouldn't go there anymore and that i ought to stop texting him.
 
then i went to his place last saturday, coz his brother texted me telling me that they cannot reach him coz the his cell is turned off. friday night he was out, according to jay our other housemates. i was under the impression that he might be sick so i skipped work and told my supervisor that i really needed to do it and being a friend, ayee, gave me a go, we've been together before at parlance and he also knows that my ex personally.
 
when i got there, he was asleep. i checked if he has fever and then when he woke up he told me i should never have come there. i stayed there for the whole night and then he was sweet every now and then, we were acting like couples. he's still calling me baby and then every now and then we would joke and then the conversation would be serious and then we would cry all over again. he admittedly said that he still loves me but would not like to take a risk again. then he was sobbing really hard like a little boy when i left.
 
he's hurting me and himself bigtime. i hate this feeling. and during my one hour break last night, sugar and i went to mcdo drive thru and she played this song while we were at her car. it hit big time, parang sinulat sya para sa kin. kainis angsakit!
 
Never Gonna Let You Go
artist: Tamia
 
ooh oh yeah

i don't even know the reason why
you tell me that you it's time to say goodbye
you can't even look me in my eye
did i do something wrong

if you tell me that the love is gone
i'll move over and i'll let you move on
but i know that the love is still strong
so i keep holding on

chorus:
so i'm never gonna let you go even though it's breaking my heart
all trying to do is let you know
we can make a new start
so i'm never gonna let you go even though it's tearing me apart
all i'm trying to do is let you know
we can make a new start

i remember back when we first met
the kind of love that you never forget
making love till we were soaking wet
and you're still on my mind oh
after all things that we've been through
you gotta give me time to talk to you
that's the very least that you can do
we can work it out with time

we can start all over again
whatever it gets
i'll make it right
whatever you need i will provide
i really want you in my life
we can make a new start
whatever i will be there
the love that i give none can compare
all that we have all that we share
we can make a new start
i'm gonna hold on
said i'm gonna be strong

{PeBbLeS}

i think i've mentioned a couple of times already that i have a dog. she is a mixed breed, mum's a shih tzu and dad's a mongrel. anyway, it's just really funny coz most of our neighbors find it hard to pronounce her name properly. we have a neighbor who hails down south of the country, and she calls my dog "Pibol". our next door neighbor's household help, also from way down south, made an entirely different name for my dog, she calls her "Pembo". and that's the name of the place where we live (in makati), hehe wait till you hear the rest of it. then the old lady on the first apartment calls my dog "Pipol", finally there's this one kid in the compound, we call her Kat-kat (short for Katherine), she's almost 3 yrs old and she's "bulol", and she calls Pebbles "Bembol". it's just really funny, good thing my dog doesn't get confused with all those names.

well, i hope you guys enjoy ur sunday. i surely will coz im going to church later. and just to let you all know, im having a really hard time with this template, i actually didnt edit anything but somehow after posting an entry a couple of days ago, the side bar went berserk and decided to place itself at the bottom instead. bear with me im stupid when it comes to computer languages. so that will have to do till i get to change my blogskin. thanks for being patient.

{LiaRs gO 2 HeLL}

uhhmmm para sa mga kaibigan ko... alam ko maraming tatamaan dito kaya bato bato sa langit tamaan wag magalit (translation: stone stone in the sky, when you're hit dont get mad - courtesy of djs chico and delamar)... read on dudes =P

"HINDI KO NA SYA MAHAL (HINDI KO SYA MAHAL)"

Naranasan mo na bang magsabi nyan???
Kung OO ang sagot mo, pwes! alam mo ba na out of 10 people na nagsabi nyan 5 ang nagsasabi ng
totoo?? yes! meaning 5 ang sinungaling!

Kc, minsan maraming dahilan kung bakit nasasabi yan...

iSiPin MO ito..

Nasasabi ang linyang yan sa mga sitwasyon gaya ng..

NAGUGULUHAN = ito ung mga taong nasa isang relasyon pgktapos eh
may iba pang mahal na iba..kailangan nilang mapaniwala ang sarili na hindi
na hindi na nila mahal ung isa para, mahalin naman ung isa pa.
(HALIMBAWA: im sori may iba na kong mahal, HINDI NA KITA MAHAL)
pero echos! ang totoo di ka naman syur kung sino pa talga sa kanila ang
matimbang... gets mo? (kung hindi kawawa ka naman..=)


MASAMA ANG LOOB = eto naman ung mga taong katatapos lng hiwalayan
o nagawan ng di maganda sa isang relasyon. (HALIMBAWA: bakit nya nagawa
sakin toh! HINDI KO NA SYA MAHAL!) pero ay naku dala lng yan ng sama
ng loob mo..sige hinga ng malalim..tulog ng mahimbing.. paggising mo bukas
naku...sya na naman ang naalala mo..(miz mo noh? =)

BASTED = as in ayaw nya daw sayo.. PARE OKEI KA LNG? (SAGOT: okei
lng ako pre, wala na un hindi ko na rin sya mahal) uyyy pa-macho epek.. SISTER
OKEI KA LNG? (SAGOT: yuh im okei, as in hindi ko na sya mahal noh?!) ows? go gurl!

LIHIM NA PAG-IBIG = eto naman ung mga taong ayaw ipaalam sa kanilang
minamahal ang totoo, para lang mapagtakpan ang nararamdaman nila, lalo
na't binubuking na sila.. (HALIMBAWA: Hindi ko sya mahal ah, friend lng ang turing ko sa
kanya.) ay naku! yan din sinabi ni jolina kay marvin!

PA-I WILL SURVIVE epek = eto ang mga taong gusto ng kumawala sa hawla
ng alala ng taong minamahal..(HALIMBAWA: pagod na ko..from now on,
kakalimutan ko na sya, hindi ko na sya mahal! smart na ko ngayon, i will survive!)
....hehe sino ka? si kris aquino??

TAAS NG PRIDE = eto ung mga taong di nila maamin sa sarili nila na mahal nila
ang isang person kc nga malayo sa standard nila ung gurl/guy or lets say may ibang
dahilan..pero nainlab sila. (HALIMBAWA: yun? hindi ko sya mahal noh. ako pa
kilala nyo ko) sabay Naka cross ang mga fingers ng kanilang hands and feet!

TAKOT = eto ung mga taong dahil ilang beses na nasaktan sa larangan ng pag ibig,
eh ayaw ng magmahal kahit na mahal naman talga nila ang isang taong nagmamahal
sa kanila..(HALIMBAWA: ayaw ko ng masaktan ulit...hindi kita mahal.) ..o tapos? hehe

PAGHIHIGANTI = eto naman ung mga taong binabalikan matapos ng hiwalayan...
syempre sobra nga naman sila nasaktan kaya sasabihan nya ng "MASYADO AKONG
NASAKTAN SA MGA NANGYARI, HINDI NA KITA MAHAL" ...o loko bagay sayo!


maraming dahilan, maraming paraan para sabihin natin ito ..
pero sana, sa susunod na sabihin mo sa kanyang hindi mo na sya mahal ..
eh ung totoo na.
Yung kaya mo na, yung
sigurado ka, at un talga
ang nararamdaman mo..
mahirap na..
Paano kung mawala pa sya?...
Paano kung mahal ka pa talaga nya?..
Paano na kung mahal ka nya...
Paano Kung mahal ka rin nya
at mahal mo pa rin sya.


At sa ibang taong makakaranas naman neto..
pag sinabihan ka ng
HINDI NA KITA MAHAL! / HINDI KITA MAHAL!

chin up! and say...
STYLE MO BULOK! LIARS GO TO HELL!!

{sCaReD}

a friend of mine who happens to be good in palm reading, looked at my palm barely 3mos ago. i think i made an entry about that on my tblog account look over the entries for the month of april. thea actually mentioned that my bf at that time and i will soon break up but we will have a reconciliation. i remember that only today and asked her to look at my palm again to confirm it. she said that there's a third party and that it's on the part of the other person and it actually begun while we were still together. i was actually baffled but according to her it will just be a short thing roughly 3 months or less and that it is something that is unconfirmed or sort of an m.u. (mutual understanding). she said that the girl is someone who happens to be close to him. right now, as i am typing this entry, i have a quesy stomach. i know i have no right to feel this way as we're no longer a couple. but still there's this nagging feeling for me to actually find out the truth. i know that would surely hurt if it happens to be true. not that i actually want to believe what thea said but then again, when she initially looked at my palm she told me some things that turned out to be correct but which i cannot disclose yet since it's not yet formal. im just really really scared right now... i have a heavy heart and a really quesy stomach. i know i should not even be thinking about him. i hate this. i should pray and surrender all this feelings... may the Lord give me self control so i can restrain myself from investigating and ended up being hurt again....

{ReStfuL sLeeP}

i finally had one good day (sorry i work for a call center, so that makes me a vampire) sleep after ages. most of the time, even if its night time and the aircon is turned on, i'd always end up turning from side to side, counting sheeps and thinking of him. this morning when i got home from work, i had breakfast and played with my dog Pebbles, read my Bible and wrote on my journal. i dont remember exactly what time i slept but when i woke up to pee, i thought it was already afternoon but i was surprised to see that the time was only 10:40am on my cellphone. i actually woke up several times and i always felt that i slept long enough already. i thank God for giving me a good sleep yesterday.

i still am reminded of mr C once in a while, but i believe im already starting to accept things between us, the fact that the "us" is already next to impossible and that he will soon move on and find someone else. i try really hard not to think of our shouting matches, our not so good times. when they start bombarding me, i try to remember the fondest memories i have of him, but then again i also try not to much to remember them coz then again i'd be sad. so most of the time i just turn to prayers and reading my Bible.

{HeALiNg}

I went to church with my mom last sunday. we went to the 9am service at the Victory Christian fellowship and upon i immediately felt God's presence inside. We waited for a few minutes before the service started. I genuinely felt the Lord comforting me specially when we started the singing praise songs, in fact even while we we're singing upbeat praise songs, i could not help but cry. i felt kinda awkward with my mom next to me. i was trying my best to hold back the tears but somehow, i really cant hold it for long. I gave everything to God, as i wasnt able to fix anything in my life, in fact, in my desire to make things and people in my life better, i ended up messing things and other people's lives instead.

Prior to the offering and the Lord's message we (the congregation) were asked to introduce ourselves to someone we dont know and ask them if they have a prayer request and was told to pray for them. i turned my back and a girl introduced herself to me. her name is Anne and she also works for a call center. yeah, i was able to know coz she looks really familiar and i asked her if she works for the same company i work for apparently she works for Teleperformance, where Kermitt recommended me for a team lead post. i must've seen her there during the times i went there to process my application, but i opt not to transfer becoz we did not agree on the offer. going back, we introduced ourselves to each other and when i asked her what it is she wants to pray for she said none, she asked me the same thing and i told her i'm praying for the conversion of a friend. i told her his name and of course i can only refer to him now as a friend. we prayed together with her leading it and then after that i smiled and thanked her.

the message was about the Lord being our light. it was actually only then that i really got to understand the phrase: "thy word is a lamp unto my feet." okay you can now call me pathetic. but honestly, i used to think that phrase doesnt make sense. now i know better, according to the pastor, it means that the Lord doesnt only want us to see the light but he wants us to follow it. i clung to that desperately, about God giving me directions not only in my times of needs but in all my days. at the back of my mind i still have images of mr C going back to me. ive pictured that so many times, in many different situations and of course im wishing that he will come back later on after he finds God, but something inside told me to let go. later that evening, the Lord once again gave me his word. i was reading my Bible and i came across this verse:

Jeremiah 29:11

for i know the plans i have for you, they are plans for good and not for evil to give you a future and a hope.

i'll hold on to that for now and let go of imagining mr C coming back to me. That verse would more than suffice.

{wALkiNg aWaY}

i chanced upon him at yahoo messenger yesterday evening. the conversation went this way:

thegreatcookster: are u therE?
thegreatcookster: hey
thegreatcookster: hey
blue_amgine: sori got dc
thegreatcookster: may prob ka ba?
blue_amgine: wat were u saying about u hving a hard time
thegreatcookster: kasi naman...
blue_amgine: bkt ganun pag ako nag iinitiate ng conversation masama pag ikaw okay lang
thegreatcookster: how can we both move on with our lives if you are still talkin to me
blue_amgine: so u dont want to talk to me anymore
blue_amgine: i thought u want a smooth exit
thegreatcookster: hindi sa ganun
thegreatcookster: not in the tone u r using
thegreatcookster: i did
thegreatcookster: but u did not give it to me
blue_amgine: how come last time ikaw una bumati sa ym tapos di ka naman nahirapan
thegreatcookster: kasi i was worried sa iyo
thegreatcookster: kasi parang wala kang kausap
thegreatcookster: di ka sanay ng ganun
blue_amgine: okay sorry to bother u
thegreatcookster: fine ako pa masama
blue_amgine: i will just get my camera some other time next week
blue_amgine: and then i wont have anything to do with you anymore
blue_amgine: bakit pano mo nalaman na wala ko kausap sa ym the last time
thegreatcookster: ako pa masama ngayon
blue_amgine: bkit mo ko kinausap psychic ka na pala ngayon
thegreatcookster: tingnan mo nga sarili mo
blue_amgine: i was trying to patch things up between us
thegreatcookster: what do u want from me?
blue_amgine: kahit man lang friends
blue_amgine: i realized ur ryt
thegreatcookster: i want that too
blue_amgine: but then again that's too much to ask for pala
blue_amgine: sorry
thegreatcookster: hindi
thegreatcookster: remember that last time we talked
thegreatcookster: ano ginawa mo?
blue_amgine: when
thegreatcookster: yung nag usap kayo nila ryan
thegreatcookster: ano ginawa mo
thegreatcookster: i was trying to talk to you
blue_amgine: we talked last time sa phone when i called u
thegreatcookster: pero hindi ka nakinig
blue_amgine: i was irrational then
blue_amgine: kaya nga i was trying to talk to you over the phone
thegreatcookster: ganun namn lagi
blue_amgine: may be its too late for that
thegreatcookster: everything will be at your own time
thegreatcookster: now I am asking for mine
thegreatcookster: madli akong kausap
blue_amgine: what are u asking for
thegreatcookster: i dunno
blue_amgine: how come?
thegreatcookster: kasi everytime na lang na mag uusap tayo i want to be ur friend
blue_amgine: i dont get it
thegreatcookster: pero i always remember the timmes when you put me down and force your coditions to me
blue_amgine: ok
thegreatcookster: the bad times overtakes the good ones
blue_amgine: and what do u want?
thegreatcookster: its like my body puts up its defenses when youa re around
blue_amgine: okay
thegreatcookster: like it does not want to initiate anything it will regret later
thegreatcookster: i am alone, i am sick, i am tired
thegreatcookster: i just wanna be happy kahit once a month lang
thegreatcookster: i miss my dog
blue_amgine: i'll bring her along
blue_amgine: i told you naman di ba kaya lang i was thinking ayaw mo
blue_amgine: dont worry i'll bring her pag wala ka pa tapos babalikan ko na lang pag nakaalis ka na
blue_amgine: better that way
blue_amgine: she's okay. bungi nga lang for now and may 2 teeth pa sya na matatanggal
thegreatcookster: no....
thegreatcookster: hwag mo nanag dalhin
thegreatcookster: maiiyak lang ako
blue_amgine: okay then if that's what you want
thegreatcookster: during the last few days taht dog was the only one that CONSISTENTLY loved me for what I am
blue_amgine: im sorry if you felt that way
blue_amgine: no amount of explanation could ever reverse that thinking anyway
blue_amgine: i know its really late for an apology for that
thegreatcookster: so it's me huh?
thegreatcookster: never you
thegreatcookster: always me
blue_amgine: but i owe u that at least
thegreatcookster: me me me me me me me
thegreatcookster: laging ako ang mali
thegreatcookster: my thinking is wrong
blue_amgine: i think its me apologizing now aint it
thegreatcookster: what you did was ruight
thegreatcookster: yep, but its against your will
blue_amgine: no
blue_amgine: god strike me dead this minute if so
blue_amgine: im jst sorry for acting that way for saying those words for putting you down
thegreatcookster: accepted
thegreatcookster: ala mo malungkot ako
thegreatcookster: *alam
blue_amgine: same here
thegreatcookster: may sakit na ako
thegreatcookster: lumabas ka kasi
thegreatcookster: nag mumukmok ka sa bahay ng nanay mo
blue_amgine: yeah im always asking god to take care of you since i cant na
blue_amgine: ikaw wat r u doing to counter ur sadness
thegreatcookster: nothing
blue_amgine: i just dont think it will help to go out
blue_amgine: we have so much memories everywhere
thegreatcookster: it will help
thegreatcookster: buti ka pa madami pa kayo
thegreatcookster: kayong kaibigan
thegreatcookster: ako wala
blue_amgine: its my fault u lost urs, im sorry
blue_amgine: my friends r only there at d office
blue_amgine: i really dont have a friend to call in d middle of d nyt to cry on to
blue_amgine: malou is always at d dorm
blue_amgine: lst nyt i went on vgh and got home midnight and dont have anyone to talk to and nothing to do
blue_amgine: i couldnt sleep either
blue_amgine: i feel so alone
thegreatcookster: wala din naman akong kausap bahay eh
thegreatcookster: talkt op your friends
blue_amgine: well at least u can play the ps2
thegreatcookster: fine
blue_amgine: huh?
blue_amgine: dat wasnt meant to be sarcastic
blue_amgine: im sorry
thegreatcookster: ok lang
blue_amgine: what i meant is just that at least u have a diversion
blue_amgine: are u sure u dont wanna see pebbles anymore
thegreatcookster: talk to your friends
thegreatcookster: at least you have pa
thegreatcookster: i have none here sa office
blue_amgine: they wont understand
thegreatcookster: mag isa lang ako dito ngayon
thegreatcookster: lahat sial off
blue_amgine: im sorry 2 hear that
thegreatcookster: pag offko...nandito sila lahat
thegreatcookster: ganun
thegreatcookster: pero ams ok na ako nagyon
thegreatcookster: may sakit nga lang ako
thegreatcookster: pero ok pa din
blue_amgine: just take in medicines
thegreatcookster: kailan mo ko babayaran>?
blue_amgine: for what?
thegreatcookster: ay oo nga pala
thegreatcookster: haaayyy
blue_amgine: sori
blue_amgine: u know im really sorry for everything, for the hurtful words, for controlling you, asking you to leave ur friends and change for me, for just about every bad memory i gave you
blue_amgine: im really sorry
blue_amgine: i guess this is really goodbye
blue_amgine: dont worry i wont bother you again ever
blue_amgine: God strike me dead if i ever do.
blue_amgine: thanks for everything you taught me and everything you gave me
blue_amgine: God bless you
thegreatcookster: just give me time
blue_amgine: i guess i would need that too
blue_amgine: for now that would be the best set up you know
thegreatcookster:
blue_amgine: goodbye
thegreatcookster:
blue_amgine: why d sad face?
thegreatcookster: kaka iyak ka naman mag bye
blue_amgine: do u want me to jump for joy
blue_amgine: while im walking away from you?
thegreatcookster: nakaka inis ka mag bye eh
thegreatcookster: parang ang sama sama kong tao
blue_amgine: its not that
blue_amgine: im just doing what is best for us and what u've been asking for for the longest time
thegreatcookster: ok ok
blue_amgine: u take care of urself
thegreatcookster: u take care too
blue_amgine: dont think about me ill be fine
thegreatcookster: pag may big prob tell me
blue_amgine: dunno if that would help
thegreatcookster: ikaw bahala
blue_amgine: sige na naiistorbo na kita
blue_amgine: thanks again and sorry
blue_amgine: i love you

words have eluded me, i only have tears stinging my eyes and scalding my cheeks. Lord help me through this, give me the strength to completely walk away from him... Please take good care of the person i love most, these i pray, in Jesus' name. Amen.

singing to:

Give Them All to Jesus

Are you tired of chasing pretty rainbows
Are you tired of spinning round and round
Wrap up all the shattered dreams of your life
And at the feet of Jesus lay them down

Give them all give them all give them all to Jesus
Shattered dreams wounded hearts and broken toys
Give them all give them all give them all to Jesus
And he will turn your sorrows into joys

He never promised there'd only be sunshine,
He never promised there'd be no rain,
He only promised a heartful of singing
About the very things that once brought pain.

~~~o0o~~~

{sPaCed OuT}

i've been here at the office for almost 3 hours now, my shift started only 20mins ago (time now: 9:20pm, i'll be posting this entry after my shift) and yet here i am with absolutely worthless things inside my head. my life is a status quo. lamentably, i somehow have this notion that things are going to be even more messed up on the coming days. all of a sudden i feel God has left me and that there's a big distance between us. first that "faggot cat fight" happened, the heady team bashing last night, meeting up with my ex this morning and going back to work today and knowing that it'll be 2 more nights of hang ups and bumping into horrible and pathetic teammates before i could spend another restful night's sleep. time seems to make things even worse, it's ticking away sooooo darn slow for the past few days.

i declare myself officially brain-dead at this point. (-_-)

to melissa and jhon who left a comment on my last entry hope u leave ur url next time so i can also visit ur blogs. anyway, thanks so much for droppin by. take care!

{tEaM bAsHiNg}

we had a team meeting at the start of the shift and it lasted for 2 hours. way over than what is allowed which is 30mins. several issues had to be addressed, and one of it includes the incident report that i filed against a lie-fabricating, scheming and screaming faggot!!! (I'm sorry God but I just have to say that and You know that's true.) he wasnt listening to me while i was explaining why i did not include other people on that report which is exactly why he is really pissed and claims to have filed a case against me, on what he claims as grounds for libel. haha!!! makes me wonder where he even sent that subpoena! he doesnt even know my address and if he sent it to my dad's address im sorry I havent lived there for almost a year now and they wont be receiving anything on my behalf. so good luck to him and if in any case it would be sent care of this company then good luck i dont believe there's a court who serves subpoenas at midnight.

aside from that, the incident happened a week ago and the very next day he was telling everybody that he was able to file a case already, whoa! who's he kidding?? so they are that rich and they have an on-call lawyer? besides he was saying that he filed it at the mrtc. if im not mistaken, u'd have to go through lower courts first before you could file a case at rtc. the day after he had that press release i was told that it was a bluff. now he thinks im going to tremble, fall down on my knees and ask him for an apology just becoz he mentioned that damn "subpoena" word. gee im scared!!!

and my gosh the case he's going to file is libel! in that case since the letter i wrote was presented to management and the operations managemer acknowledged it and asked another team leader to give him feedback or coaching then that just goes to say that the company did not do a proper investigation on the matter and so they will also be dragged in the case. aside from that the nerve he files a case of libel against me when that faggot who cant even properly pronounce the words "pharmaceutical" and "determine" and many other simple words claims to be a former Philosophy professor of the University of Asia and Pacific and a former trainer for Ambergris Solutions when in fact he doesnt know any trainers we knew works there and how come he was an agent here not a trainer. when asked about that he'd defend himself saying that the hr of this company is asking him to assume the position of a trainer but he doesnt want to because he values his time! C-R-A-P!!!! then he also keeps on telling everyone that he drives a Pajero. everyday he'd ask Say (one of our teammates) where she parked her car, and would tell her that he also parked his car at the dela rosa parking kaya lang di sila nagkasabay. migosh araw-araw na lang silang di nagkakasabay diba? and besides how come everyday sumasabay sya kay Ivy (another teammate of ours) para sumakay ng mrt. and one thing more, he brags that he has a daughter. but when we checked his phone we couldnt find any picture of the kid, his phone is filled with pix of a bunch of penises and video streams of him sucking dicks!!! and he has the nerve to file a case of libel against me. haha! that faggot will surely get it. pag tinopak ako baka magpunta ko cavite at maghanap na lang ako ng mangkukulam!!!! WAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!! LORD BAKIT BA ANDAMING MGA LAMANLUPANG BAKLA NA SAKSAKAN NG SINUNGALING????!!!!!!!!!!! GUSTO KO SYANG TIRISIN LORD!!!!!!