..::sAcRifiCe oF pRaiSe::..

there's a praise song we used to sing a while back at our church services as well as at our high school masses. i must admit i never really understood the meaning of the song. the title of the song is sacrifice of praise. i was baffled as to how praise could ever become a sacrifice? i was thinking it would somehow become tantamount to hypocrisy to be doing such thing because deep in your heart you are grieving and yet you are trying to give praise to the Lord. Years later a church leader taught me the meaning of the song. according to her, it is the highest form of praise. to be praising God when something is not working out in your life, when your heart is beset with sorrow and yet you still could manage to thank the Lord for the unpleasant circumstances in your life. Just like what Job said: "Will i only praise you for the good things in my life? No, i will praise you even in adversity."

Now that I am in need for a little growing up, going through all these, I am learning to do exactly what the song says:

"We bring sacrifice of praise, unto the house of the Lord.
As we offer up to thee the sacrifices of thanksgiving,
As we offer up to thee the sacrifices of joy."

I am learning to thank the Lord for everything, for teaching me that obedience is better than sacrifice, that delayed obedience is in reality disobedience and there are repercussions for choosing that course of action.

as i was drafting this entry, when Miles dropped by my worked station twice. She was so happy since she received flowers from her honey and I was really touched coz she said if only she could give me 3/4 of her happiness she would gladly do so. i told her seeing her beaming with happiness is enough to brighten up my day. She saw the paper that my supervisor has placed at my workstation that says: "Relax...God loves you!". She wrote her name and Peng as well and crossed out the letter "s" on loves to make it gramatically correct. And I acknowledge God in that act. The second time she dropped by she gave me 2 pieces of chocolate candies and I am deeply grateful to God for that, just means to say that He remembers me through my friends. Even if I dont have a special someone to lavish me with little treats and small acts of thoughtfulness, the Lord sends angels my way to let me know that He cares. ^_^

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i chanced upon him yesterday night at yahoo messenger. i logged in around 6pm as i got at the office really early since i had to pick up some items at ate ermie's office and she's only there during business hours. well i think that is a given since she doesnt work for a call center. going back i logged in and saw him online. the last time we talked online i was the one who initiated the conversation and somehow he didnt like it. im making a conclusion on that so let me relay the information just to be fair with him.

on the first time that we chat, i just said hi to him. he asked where i am. and i told him im at the office. that was last saturday and that was barely 10mins before log in. he said i was too early for my shift. told him our shift starts at 7pm on weekends, and i made a comment about him forgetting it already. he didnt say much and i had to log out already since i had to log in already. much later when i checked my mobile phone, i saw a text message from him saying exactly these words:

"Wag kang magagalit pero mahihirapan lang tayo 2 pag nakikipagchikahan ka sa kin. We can talk about unfinished business pero nahihirapan ako pag chikahan. Sori."

i couldn't and actually still dont understand what he meant by that so i decided it would be best to be keep my silence, thus i did not respond to his text message.

last night when i logged in, it was him who initiated the conversation. he said hi and then asked me about my predicament here at the office, what's the progress and how things are going. surprisingly, as we were conversing he asked me if i'm mad at him. i told him im not and asked him what made him think i'm mad at him. in fact, i told him that i am even praying for him all the time. he said that he feels im mad at him becoz God is mad at him as well. i was baffled as to how he made a connection on that. he said that usually if im mad at him, God is too. i asked him then how he was able to conclude that God is mad at him. he said that nothing is right, he's been sick with toothache for 3 days straight, his team's stats were bottom low and other reasons he did not care to expound. i told him that i am not angry or mad at him and that i hope he comes to terms with God again.

aside from talks about work, he also asked me if there's someone asking me out already. honestly, i dont know why he asked me that question. i dont want to draw any conclusion on why he asked me that so i asked him why he wants to know. i didnt answer the question but instead threw back the question to him. sabi nya wala daw magkakagusto sa kanya, muka daw kasi syang basura. told him he shouldnt think of himself that way. i actually hated it but i had to say it to at least boost his self confidence and of course there's a lot of truth in it, it's just that i actually dont want to voice it out coz i know it will flatter him. un nga sabi nya muka daw syang basura kasi pala wala silang plantsa so silang 3 - sya, ung couple na kinakainisan ko, ay gusot lagi ang damit for the past 2 weeks. kala ko naman kasi may plantsa silang ginagamit coz i asked alfred if its okay if i take the iron and he said they have their own. un pala nagpapa laundry and press na sila ni jay. but the other 3 wont have anything to use. naawa naman ako big time sa kanya. and he said that he'll be buying tomorrow. i of course know that he has a long list of payables so i told him ill just lend him mine since we're not using it naman at home. but he said that he'll buy na nga when he gets his salary. but then again i insisted and told him that if he doesnt want my help it only means he's mad at me. gusto ko pa nga ihirit na wag sya mag-alala since di naman ako makikipagbalikan sa kanya dahil sa plantsa at di ko din isusumbat sa kanya un. he agreed. at least things are starting to be okay between us. just at least for us to be rid of emotional baggage and try to become friends again. after all we were bestfriends before we actually became an item. i just hope that things will start picking up for him. he's a good person and certainly deserves to be happy.

..::MiSsiNg yOu::..

i wish i could tell you just how much i miss you, your smile, your warm embrace, your gentle kiss and just being with you. the quiet comfort of having you and being locked in your arms on days like these when everything around me seems to be falling apart.

everytime, i'd go to work, i'd get a glance of our old house. it holds a lot of memories, both bitter and sweet. and i guess i'd always be overwhelmed by a wave of nostalgia, longing and sadness everytime i'd see that cute pink house. i miss the times we gazed at the full moon from our terrace, as well as the fireworks at the fort bonifacio. i love the times we slowdanced in our cute li'l house, the way you gently held me in your arms on cold nights like these and the sweet and soothing way you tell me that you love me.

but i've lost you already and these are all i have, the memories of you. i miss you so much baby.

..::TaNonG LaNg::..

bakit ganun pag ayaw mo ko makita at sakaling puntahan at suyuin kita, masama ako at di pwedeng magbago ang desisyon mo? pero bakit pag gusto mo na kong makita at gusto mo na ding subukan ulit dapat gusto ko na din at hindi masamang gustuhin mong makita ko?

bakit pag hindi kita ibig pansinin, ibig sabihin ayaw ko na at sumusuko na ko. pero bakit pag baliktad ang katayuan natin, nangangahulugan lang na ibig mong suyuin kita? marami kong di maintindihan. minsan ayoko na lang magkaron ng pakiramdam para mas maging payak ang mga bagay bagay, para din makaiwas na lang na masaktan.

kung nasan ka man ngayon sana masaya ka, at sana malaman ko na ng tuluyan kung habambuhay mo na kong ayaw makita. sana magkaron na rin ako ng lakas ng loob na magsimulang muli ng nag-iisa at ng di umaasang isang araw ay babalik ka upang suyuin ako at tanungin kung muli kong gustong magsimula at makipagsapalarang kasama ka.

..::sHatTeReD::..

sobrang sama ng loob ko. sobra!!!

nothing could go worse today. i went on voluntary go home and was approved for it by 3am. while i was trying to update my template on my 3rd blog home a former teammate and wavemate Bob, sat beside me to check on his emails (we were at the pantry using the 2 pc's here) he told me something that shattered whatever is left of my self image. according to him, his friend, who happens to be an agent of CooCoo, told him that CooCoo kicked me out of the house and that his whole team pictures and believes me to be a lazybone and a dumbass and this was all about the dvd incident. dont know if i will still need to relay that to you, not that it would make things better but just so other people know my side. but come to think of it there is no point anymore in doing that.

i just felt so bad that i went to Miles and cry to her while she was on avail. i dont know how to fully describe what i felt. all of them were telling me never to take him back again. i guess i've learned my lesson the hard way. no i will not take him back again, not ever!!! and i swear i will not in any way take back my words in the future.